Jokes of the Week #62: A Second Helping of Foodie Fun

A little boy is eating at a restaurant with his father. Shortly after the boy is brought a bowl of soup, he says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup."

The father then calls to the waiter, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"

The waiter obligingly brings another bowl of soup. Shortly thereafter, however, the boy says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup, either."

The father calls to the waiter again, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"

The waiter obligingly brings yet another bowl. Shortly thereafter, the boy says yet again, "Daddy, I still can't eat this soup."

Growing frustrated, the father inquires, "Son, you've been brought three different bowls of soup and haven't been able to eat a single one of them. What's wrong with the soup?"

"Oh, nothing, I just don't have a spoon."

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What's the best thing to serve with jacket potatoes?

Button mushrooms.

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What's a goalkeeper's favorite food?

Post and jam.

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What do monsters order at fast food restaurants?

French frights.

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What do you have if you eat two-thirds of a pie?

Angry dinner guests!

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Waiter: "I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pigs' feet."

Mort: "Don't tell me about your health problems, just bring me my dinner!"

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What's the Abombinable Snowman's favorite food?

Ice-burgers and french fries.

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A man was eating alphabet soup. He had eaten nine bowls of it when he asked the waiter for another bowl. The waiter gives him an odd look. "How many bowls of soup are you going to eat?"

"Oh, I'm just gonna keep eating until I find a period." the guy replies.

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Why is it dangerous to go into a seafood restaurant?

You might run into a man eating lobster!

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Harold: "Say Don, did you know that you have a hot dog behind your ear?"

Dopey Don: "Oops! Well that explains what happened to my pencil."

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How do you make a berry punch?

Give it boxing lessons.

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How do you start a race between two rice puddings?

Sago.

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Mom: "Someone seems to have gotten into the fridge last night. Do you know anything about this, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "Gosh, no, Mom. There wasn't anyone there last night when I finished off the last of the cake."

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Why does steak taste better in space?

Because it's meteor.

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Which dessert complains the most?

Apple grumble.

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Julia: "I'd like a scorched hamburger, greasy fries with too much salt, and a soggy, wilted Caesar salad."

Waitress: "I'm afraid the chef can't serve you that, ma'am."

Julia: "Why not? He did yesterday!"

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Mom: "Aren't you going to finish your alphabet soup, dear? You have only a few letters left in your bowl."

Tammy: "Yes, but they spell out, 'Brussels sprouts.'"

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Lina: "I'd like a cheeseburger without pickles, please."

Waitress: "Oh, sorry ma'am, but we're all out of pickles. I can give you one without onions, though."

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Marcus: "Waiter, this chili tastes like dog food."

Waiter: "Why, that's simply not possible, sir, how could cat food taste like dog food?"

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Whitney: "I went to that new restaurant down the street yesterday; I ordered a fresh salad and they gave me the freshest salad in the world. Then, I ordered a bowl of spicy chili and they gave me the spiciest chili in the world."

June: "Well, when I went there, I ordered a small hamburger."

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Why did the doofus stare at a bottle of orange juice for an hour?

Because it said, "Concentrate."

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A local restaurant had made a deal that whoever ordered a meal that they couldn't make would be paid $100. Carl stops by the restaurant one afternoon; after he's seated himself at a table, he tells the waiter, "I'd like an alligator sanwich on a hoagie roll with honey mustard."

The waiter promptly reaches into his pocket, takes out a fat roll of dollar bills, and gives Carl a hundred dollars. "What, no alligators today?" Carl inquires.

"Oh, we have plenty of alligators," the waiter replies. "We're just out of hoagie rolls."

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Lyle: "Say, waiter, there's Swiss cheese in this sandwich. I don't like cheese with holes!"

Waiter: "Well then, just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the plate."

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What did the doofus say when he was served a bowl of Cheerios at a diner?

"Say, when did you start serving donut seeds?"

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Frankie: "So, I took my girlfriend out for dinner at this fancy restaurant last night; she orders a bowl of soup, and wouldn't you know it, she finds a fly in her soup!"

Jeff: "Oh, that's awful! What did she do?"

Frankie: "Well, she turns to the waiter and calls, 'Waiter, remove this insect!"

Jeff: "And what happened then?"

Frankie: "He kicked me out the door."

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What happened to the angry chef who tried to make pancakes in a volcano?

He blew his stack.

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A man is sitting in a restaurant waiting for his bill, after eating his meal. Shortly, the waiter brings the bill, which says:

OMELETE                              $1.50

 

TEA                                        $.25

 

The diner asks if the waiter wouldn't mind taking the bill back and rewriting it as omelette with two t's. The waiter leaves for a minute or two, then comes back with a new bill, which says:

 

OMELETE                           $1.50

2 TEAS                                $.50

 



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What's a hot dog's favorite car?

A Rolls.

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Jokes of the Week #59: Animal Crack-Ups 2: It's a Zoo in Here

Marvin: "This morning I woke up and was surprised to find the dog licking my face."

Sandy: "Why were you surprised?"

Marvin: "We don't have a dog."

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What do you call a crazy flea?

A looney tick!

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Tania: "Say, did you know that it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"

Walter: "Gee, I didn't even know they could knit!"

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken name their baby?

Egg.

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A herd of buffalo is travelling across the plain, when a cowboy rides up alongside them. "You're the ugliest buffalo I've ever seen," he says. "Look at you, your fur is all tangled and matted, you're dirty and smelly, and you're slobbering all over the place."

After the cowboy leaves, one of the buffalo at the back of the herd turns to the buffalo next to him and says, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."

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Why was the little whale sent to the principal's office?

For spouting off at the teacher.

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What do you get when you cross a small deer with a ghost?

Bamboo.

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Jumbo the circus elephant was known for being big-hearted. The other day, he was walking in the parade, when he accidentally stepped on a bird. Knowing that the bird probably had a nest somewhere with a baby in it, he sat on the bird to keep it warm.

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Junior: "Daddy, Daddy, there's a Dalmatian in the house."

Dad: "Don't worry about that, son, I hear that Dalmatians are supposed to be lucky."

Junior: "This one sure is. He ate your dinner!"

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What do you get when you cross a pig with an iguana?

A porky spine.

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Morris(At the zoo): "You know, I wonder what that prairie dog would say if he could talk."

Wendy: "He'd probably say, 'Pardon me, but I'm a ferret.'"

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Simon: "I finally found the rattle in my car."

Rhonda: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that."

Simon: "I'm not-it was attatched to a snake!"

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What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a shark and a T. Rex?

I don't know, but I sure wouldn't get in the pool with it!

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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

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How is the letter "A" like a flower bed?

Because they both have bees coming after them.

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What's a cat's favorite musical?

The Sound of Mew-sic.

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What do rodents use for bad breath?

Mousewash.

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Gloria: "Mr. Franklin worked as a dogcatcher for 20 years, but now he's been fired."

Myles: "Why? What happened?"

Gloria: "The dogs started catching him."

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What's a sheep's favorite movie?

Ewe Got Mail.

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Why do fish swim in saltwater?

Pepper makes them sneeze.

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As Mona is leaving her house one morning, she sees her neighbor Mrs. Greyson walking through her front door, holding a pet carrier. Mona walks up to her. "Hi, Mrs. Greyson. What'cha got in that carrier?"

"It's a cat." Mrs. Greyson replies. "You see, for the last few nights, I've been dreaming about rats, and I've been really scared! The cat will catch them, hopefully."

A perplexed look crosses Mona's face. "But...the rats aren't real."

"Don't worry, dear, the cat isn't either."

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Little Skunk: "But Mom, why can't I have a chemistry set for my birthday?"

Mama Skunk: "I'm afraid that it would stink up the house."

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There's a knock at the door, and when Lucy answers it, she sees a snail sitting on her doorstep. Lucy then immediately picks up the snail, runs to the end of her driveway, and throws it as hard as she can.

Two years pass, and Lucy hears another knock at her door as she's sitting in her living room. She answers the door, and finds the same snail there. "What was that all about?" the snail asks.

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Fido: "There's a dog on the next block with really long ears, and every time he walks up the stairs, he steps on them."

Fifi: "He steps on his ears?"

Fido: "No, he steps on the stairs."

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When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?

When you're a mouse.

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I stayed in a small village in the country last summer; my landlady kept animals. On the first day one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day one of her pigs died, so we had honeybaked ham.

On the third day one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops.

On the fourth day her husband died, so I left before dinner.

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What has 100 feet and 98 shoes?

A centipede trying on a new pair of sneakers.

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Why are elephants prone to holding grudges?

They can forgive, but they can't forget.

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And why are giraffes prone to holding grudges?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

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Cowboy Tom and Cowboy Fred shared a field for their two horses. In order to be able to tell them apart, Tom tied a red ribbon around his horse's tail; one day, when they went out to the field, Tom noticed that the ribbon had fallen off.

"Now how will we tell our horses apart?" a concerned Tom exclaims.

Fred thinks about it for about a minute. "I know! How about if you take the black one and I take the white one?"

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What did Tarzan say when he saw an enormous pink elephant wearing dark glasses walking by?

Nothing. He didn't recognize it.

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Mrs. Morgan was having a difficult time teaching her parrot to talk. She tried everything: repeating certain phrases to him several times, reading to him, and having conversations within his earshot, but nothing ever worked. Then one day, after she had fed the bird his dinner, the parrot said, "Can I have a little more birdseed, please?"

Mrs. Morgan was shocked. "You can talk? But, how come you never said anything before?"

"Well, everything's been fine until now."

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Why did the sheep like the buffet restaurant?

Because the sign said, "All Ewe Can Eat."

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Jokes of the Week #56: Duh...More Not Smartness!

Sally: "Say, won't you get hot wearing so much to paint your house?"

Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."

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Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?

Because the zero was upside down!

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Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"

Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"

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Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"

Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."

Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."

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How do you tell a stupid pirate?

He's the one with a patch over both eyes!

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How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?

They pushed.

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Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."

Perry: "What's that?"

Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."

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When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?

When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."

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Why did the doofus call the 7-11?

To see when they were closed.

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Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?

He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.

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Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?

She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!

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Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?

He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.

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Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."

Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."

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Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?

He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.

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Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"

Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."

Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"

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June: "Say, is that a new car?"

Nate: "Well, certainly."

June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"

Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."

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What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him.

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Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?

He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.

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Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?

He stole a free sample.

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Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"

Frankie: "It's 10:28."

Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"

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Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."

Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"

Customer: "Soap and water."

Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."

Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."

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Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?

He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.

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How does a doofus get the most out of his money?

By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.

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Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"

Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."

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Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?

He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.

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What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?

A stop sign.

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Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.

"Hi, Gladys."

"Hi, Val."

"Say, how do you like your new phone?"

"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."

"Yes?"

"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"

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Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?

So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #54

Three guys named Shutup, Manners, and Poop are in a car, driving down the highway, when suddenly the car hits a bump and Poop falls out. Shutup pulls the car over; Manners rushes out to help Poop while Shutup runs off to get help.

Shutup hurries over to a nearby police station and explains the situation to the officer behind the desk. "What's your name?" the officer inquires.

"Shutup." he replies.

"Hey!" the officer exclaims angrily. "Where's your manners?"

"Down the road a ways, pickin' up Poop."

From Nickelodeon Magazine

Jokes of the Week #50: No Intelligent Life on Other Planets

First alien robot(to car): "If you don't answer me, I'm going to punch you!"

Second alien robot: "That's not fair. Look, that guy's wearing glasses."

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Astronaut: "Say, wanna fly?"

Copilot: "Sure!"

Astronaut: "Wait here, I'll catch one for you."

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First alien: "Excuse me, please, is that the sun or the moon?"

Second alien: "I'm not sure, I'm not from around here either."

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Zoe: "Have you ever noticed that aliens have no noses?"

Sam: "Yeah, I wonder how they smell."

Zoe: "Oh, terrible."

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How can you tell if an alien has been using your toothbrush?

It glows in the dark.

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How did Mary's little lamb get to Mars?

By rocket sheep.

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First alien robot, observing a stationwagon, to second alien robot: "No wonder this guy can't talk. Someone stuffed his mouth full of suitcases!"

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Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?

Because his phone bill is insane!

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Two aliens land their spaceship in the middle of a city. As they're traipsing down the sidewalk, they come across a fire hydrant. "Greetings," the first alien says. "We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The second alien bursts out laughing. "You're not going to get very far asking a little kid for help!"

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Did you hear that Dracula's starring in the new Star Wars movie? It's called, "The Vampire Strikes Back."

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Two aliens land on a traffic corner, next to a streetlight.

"Hey, I saw her first!" the first alien exclaims.

"Well, I'm the one she winked at!" the second alien replies.

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Alien: "Are you tan from the sun?"

Astronaut: "No, I'm Sam from Earth."

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Two astronauts were in a space craft circling thousands of miles above the earth. According to plan, one of them would leave the ship and go on a fifteen-minute space walk while the other stayed inside.

After completing her walk, the first astronaut tries to get back inside, but the door's locked. She knocks at the door. No answer. She knocks harder. Still no answer. She pounds with all her might.

Finally, after what had seemed like hours, a voice replies, "Who iiiiiiiis iiiiiiiiit?"

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How can you tell if an alien's been wearing your hat?

It's stretched out to three times its size.

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Two aliens are flying through space, looking for a place to eat. The first one says, "Say, want to try that new restaurant on Earth's moon called the Lunar Cafe?"

The second alien replies, "I know that place. The food's good, but there's just no atmosphere."

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What do Martian chickens lay?

Eggs-traterrestrials.

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Two aliens are flying their spaceship over the Atlantic Ocean. The first one says, "Wow, look at all that water."

The second one replies, "Yeah, and that's just the top."

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How did the alien wreck his spaceship?

He kept driving into black holes.

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Alien robot, to gas pump: "Get your fingers out of your ears and listen to me!"

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Henry is walking down the street, when a salesman rushes up to him. "Friend," the salesman says. "Have I got a deal for you! I have a full-grown Martian going for only $50."

"Hmm," Henry muses. "May I ask how big this Martian is?"

"He's fifteen feet tall and weighs ten tons."

"Ten tons?!" a shocked Henry exclaims. "I live in a small, one room apartment with my wife, five kids and a dog. I can't possibly buy a ten ton, fifteen-foot Martian for $50!"

"All right," the salesman replies persuasively. "How about five Martians for $100?"

 Henry smiles. "You've got yourself a deal!"

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How many ears does Mr. Spock have?

Three. His left one, his right one, and, "The Final Front-ear."

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Two astronauts land on a distant planet. After they've walked a little ways, they come across a small purple furry creature with no features save for two eyes and a pair of large feet.

"Greetings, Earthlings," the creature says. "We are the Furries from Planet Furdonia."

"Are you the leader?" one of the astronauts inquires.

"No, I'm just an ordinary furry," the Furry replies. "But I'll be happy to take you to our leader. Please follow me."

The astronauts follow the Furry to a large odd-looking castle-like structure; he leads them through the door, up a spiral staircase, and into a room where a giant furry purple creature wearing a hypodermic needle on his head is sitting on a throne.

"Pardon us," one of the astonauts inquires. "But are you the leader?"

The giant furry creature replies, "Yes, I am the Furry with the syringe on top."

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How can you tell when aliens agree with each other?

They see eye-to-eye-to-eye-to-eye-to-eye-to-eye-to-eye-to-eye.

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Music Showcase:Chicken Truck by John Anderson

Chicken Truck, Chicken Truck, on Highway 65! :-D

Cartoon Showcase:Littlest Pet Shop in Chet the Dream Horse and Going Bananas

Here, as per the previous post, is an episode of this hilarious series! In the first half, Chet, while dodging his would-be admirer Sabrina, meets a little girl named Marlene who'd like a littlest pet horse. Chet is all too happy to come with her...until she dresses him up like a doll and plays with him in her dollhouse! (Watch for Elwood to "not take yes for an answer"!)

In the second half, Squeaks drives off in Elwood's miniature car and comes across a boy named Ronnie who's working on a science project for school. Ronnie opts to use Squeaks in his science project...but will it work? (Watch for a cameo by renowned lawyer Larry J. Weasel!) Please enjoy!