Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."
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Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?
Because the zero was upside down!
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Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"
Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"
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Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"
Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."
Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."
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How do you tell a stupid pirate?
He's the one with a patch over both eyes!
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How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?
They pushed.
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Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."
Perry: "What's that?"
Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."
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When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?
When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."
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Why did the doofus call the 7-11?
To see when they were closed.
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Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?
He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.
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Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?
She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!
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Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?
He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.
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Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."
Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."
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Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?
He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.
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Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"
Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."
Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"
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June: "Say, is that a new car?"
Nate: "Well, certainly."
June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"
Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."
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What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him.
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Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?
He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.
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Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
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Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"
Frankie: "It's 10:28."
Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"
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Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."
Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"
Customer: "Soap and water."
Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."
Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."
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Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?
He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.
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How does a doofus get the most out of his money?
By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.
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Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"
Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."
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Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?
He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.
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What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?
A stop sign.
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Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.
"Hi, Gladys."
"Hi, Val."
"Say, how do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."
"Yes?"
"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"
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Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?
So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.
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From Nickelodeon Magazine.
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