"Just a minute," the agent replies as he goes to consult his timetables.
"Thanks!" Gus replies as he then hangs up the phone.
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Showing posts with label doofuses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doofuses. Show all posts
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Joke of the Week #94
Goofy Gus wants to take a trip to Japan, so he calls up a travel agent. "Excuse me, how long does it take to fly to Japan?"
"Just a minute," the agent replies as he goes to consult his timetables.
"Thanks!" Gus replies as he then hangs up the phone.
"Just a minute," the agent replies as he goes to consult his timetables.
"Thanks!" Gus replies as he then hangs up the phone.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Joke of the Week #91
Dopey Dan is visiting the beach for the first time, carrying a bucket in one hand. He walks up to the lifeguard and inquires, "Excuse me please, Ma'am. How much does a bucket of water cost?"
The lifeguard decides to have some fun with him and says, "Twenty-five cents. Please take as much as you like."
"Thanks!" Dan replies, upon which he traipses down to the shore, fills up the bucket, then hands the lifeguard a quarter.
As evening falls, it's lowtide; observing the ebbing tide, Dan turns to the lifeguard and says, "Boy, looks like you've certainly had some business day!"
The lifeguard decides to have some fun with him and says, "Twenty-five cents. Please take as much as you like."
"Thanks!" Dan replies, upon which he traipses down to the shore, fills up the bucket, then hands the lifeguard a quarter.
As evening falls, it's lowtide; observing the ebbing tide, Dan turns to the lifeguard and says, "Boy, looks like you've certainly had some business day!"
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Joke of the Week #70
Goofy Greg is driving through the country when he sees a shepherd with his flock of sheep going by, He stops the car by the side of the road, walks up to the shepherd and says, "Say, if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one, please?"
The shepherd replies, "Sure."
Greg ruminates for a second or two(Which for him was a record!) and says, "127."
The shepherd replies, "That's incredible! You're absolutely right! Go ahead and pick a sheep."
As Greg is putting his prize in the back of his car, the shepherd says, "Say, if I can guess your IQ level, can I have my dog back?"
The shepherd replies, "Sure."
Greg ruminates for a second or two(Which for him was a record!) and says, "127."
The shepherd replies, "That's incredible! You're absolutely right! Go ahead and pick a sheep."
As Greg is putting his prize in the back of his car, the shepherd says, "Say, if I can guess your IQ level, can I have my dog back?"
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
As the ever-quotable Garfield once said, "Yes...it's the dreaded glasses-on-the-forehead syndrome."
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Joke of the Week #67
Dopey Dan: "Say Gus, did you mark the spot where the fishing was so good?"
Goofy Gus: "Duh, yeah! I painted a 'X' on the side of the boat."
Dopey Dan: "Oh, that's ridiculous! I can't believe you'd be so stupid! What if we take another boat next time?!"
Goofy Gus: "Duh, yeah! I painted a 'X' on the side of the boat."
Dopey Dan: "Oh, that's ridiculous! I can't believe you'd be so stupid! What if we take another boat next time?!"
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Jokes of the Week #62: A Second Helping of Foodie Fun
A little boy is eating at a restaurant with his father. Shortly after the boy is brought a bowl of soup, he says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup."
The father then calls to the waiter, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings another bowl of soup. Shortly thereafter, however, the boy says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup, either."
The father calls to the waiter again, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings yet another bowl. Shortly thereafter, the boy says yet again, "Daddy, I still can't eat this soup."
Growing frustrated, the father inquires, "Son, you've been brought three different bowls of soup and haven't been able to eat a single one of them. What's wrong with the soup?"
"Oh, nothing, I just don't have a spoon."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to serve with jacket potatoes?
Button mushrooms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a goalkeeper's favorite food?
Post and jam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do monsters order at fast food restaurants?
French frights.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have if you eat two-thirds of a pie?
Angry dinner guests!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiter: "I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pigs' feet."
Mort: "Don't tell me about your health problems, just bring me my dinner!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the Abombinable Snowman's favorite food?
Ice-burgers and french fries.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was eating alphabet soup. He had eaten nine bowls of it when he asked the waiter for another bowl. The waiter gives him an odd look. "How many bowls of soup are you going to eat?"
"Oh, I'm just gonna keep eating until I find a period." the guy replies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it dangerous to go into a seafood restaurant?
You might run into a man eating lobster!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harold: "Say Don, did you know that you have a hot dog behind your ear?"
Dopey Don: "Oops! Well that explains what happened to my pencil."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a berry punch?
Give it boxing lessons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you start a race between two rice puddings?
Sago.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Someone seems to have gotten into the fridge last night. Do you know anything about this, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Gosh, no, Mom. There wasn't anyone there last night when I finished off the last of the cake."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does steak taste better in space?
Because it's meteor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which dessert complains the most?
Apple grumble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Julia: "I'd like a scorched hamburger, greasy fries with too much salt, and a soggy, wilted Caesar salad."
Waitress: "I'm afraid the chef can't serve you that, ma'am."
Julia: "Why not? He did yesterday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Aren't you going to finish your alphabet soup, dear? You have only a few letters left in your bowl."
Tammy: "Yes, but they spell out, 'Brussels sprouts.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lina: "I'd like a cheeseburger without pickles, please."
Waitress: "Oh, sorry ma'am, but we're all out of pickles. I can give you one without onions, though."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcus: "Waiter, this chili tastes like dog food."
Waiter: "Why, that's simply not possible, sir, how could cat food taste like dog food?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whitney: "I went to that new restaurant down the street yesterday; I ordered a fresh salad and they gave me the freshest salad in the world. Then, I ordered a bowl of spicy chili and they gave me the spiciest chili in the world."
June: "Well, when I went there, I ordered a small hamburger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus stare at a bottle of orange juice for an hour?
Because it said, "Concentrate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local restaurant had made a deal that whoever ordered a meal that they couldn't make would be paid $100. Carl stops by the restaurant one afternoon; after he's seated himself at a table, he tells the waiter, "I'd like an alligator sanwich on a hoagie roll with honey mustard."
The waiter promptly reaches into his pocket, takes out a fat roll of dollar bills, and gives Carl a hundred dollars. "What, no alligators today?" Carl inquires.
"Oh, we have plenty of alligators," the waiter replies. "We're just out of hoagie rolls."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyle: "Say, waiter, there's Swiss cheese in this sandwich. I don't like cheese with holes!"
Waiter: "Well then, just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the plate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the doofus say when he was served a bowl of Cheerios at a diner?
"Say, when did you start serving donut seeds?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frankie: "So, I took my girlfriend out for dinner at this fancy restaurant last night; she orders a bowl of soup, and wouldn't you know it, she finds a fly in her soup!"
Jeff: "Oh, that's awful! What did she do?"
Frankie: "Well, she turns to the waiter and calls, 'Waiter, remove this insect!"
Jeff: "And what happened then?"
Frankie: "He kicked me out the door."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the angry chef who tried to make pancakes in a volcano?
He blew his stack.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a restaurant waiting for his bill, after eating his meal. Shortly, the waiter brings the bill, which says:
What's a hot dog's favorite car?
A Rolls.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The father then calls to the waiter, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings another bowl of soup. Shortly thereafter, however, the boy says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup, either."
The father calls to the waiter again, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings yet another bowl. Shortly thereafter, the boy says yet again, "Daddy, I still can't eat this soup."
Growing frustrated, the father inquires, "Son, you've been brought three different bowls of soup and haven't been able to eat a single one of them. What's wrong with the soup?"
"Oh, nothing, I just don't have a spoon."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to serve with jacket potatoes?
Button mushrooms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a goalkeeper's favorite food?
Post and jam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do monsters order at fast food restaurants?
French frights.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have if you eat two-thirds of a pie?
Angry dinner guests!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiter: "I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pigs' feet."
Mort: "Don't tell me about your health problems, just bring me my dinner!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the Abombinable Snowman's favorite food?
Ice-burgers and french fries.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was eating alphabet soup. He had eaten nine bowls of it when he asked the waiter for another bowl. The waiter gives him an odd look. "How many bowls of soup are you going to eat?"
"Oh, I'm just gonna keep eating until I find a period." the guy replies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it dangerous to go into a seafood restaurant?
You might run into a man eating lobster!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harold: "Say Don, did you know that you have a hot dog behind your ear?"
Dopey Don: "Oops! Well that explains what happened to my pencil."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a berry punch?
Give it boxing lessons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you start a race between two rice puddings?
Sago.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Someone seems to have gotten into the fridge last night. Do you know anything about this, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Gosh, no, Mom. There wasn't anyone there last night when I finished off the last of the cake."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does steak taste better in space?
Because it's meteor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which dessert complains the most?
Apple grumble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Julia: "I'd like a scorched hamburger, greasy fries with too much salt, and a soggy, wilted Caesar salad."
Waitress: "I'm afraid the chef can't serve you that, ma'am."
Julia: "Why not? He did yesterday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Aren't you going to finish your alphabet soup, dear? You have only a few letters left in your bowl."
Tammy: "Yes, but they spell out, 'Brussels sprouts.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lina: "I'd like a cheeseburger without pickles, please."
Waitress: "Oh, sorry ma'am, but we're all out of pickles. I can give you one without onions, though."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcus: "Waiter, this chili tastes like dog food."
Waiter: "Why, that's simply not possible, sir, how could cat food taste like dog food?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whitney: "I went to that new restaurant down the street yesterday; I ordered a fresh salad and they gave me the freshest salad in the world. Then, I ordered a bowl of spicy chili and they gave me the spiciest chili in the world."
June: "Well, when I went there, I ordered a small hamburger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus stare at a bottle of orange juice for an hour?
Because it said, "Concentrate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local restaurant had made a deal that whoever ordered a meal that they couldn't make would be paid $100. Carl stops by the restaurant one afternoon; after he's seated himself at a table, he tells the waiter, "I'd like an alligator sanwich on a hoagie roll with honey mustard."
The waiter promptly reaches into his pocket, takes out a fat roll of dollar bills, and gives Carl a hundred dollars. "What, no alligators today?" Carl inquires.
"Oh, we have plenty of alligators," the waiter replies. "We're just out of hoagie rolls."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyle: "Say, waiter, there's Swiss cheese in this sandwich. I don't like cheese with holes!"
Waiter: "Well then, just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the plate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the doofus say when he was served a bowl of Cheerios at a diner?
"Say, when did you start serving donut seeds?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frankie: "So, I took my girlfriend out for dinner at this fancy restaurant last night; she orders a bowl of soup, and wouldn't you know it, she finds a fly in her soup!"
Jeff: "Oh, that's awful! What did she do?"
Frankie: "Well, she turns to the waiter and calls, 'Waiter, remove this insect!"
Jeff: "And what happened then?"
Frankie: "He kicked me out the door."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the angry chef who tried to make pancakes in a volcano?
He blew his stack.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a restaurant waiting for his bill, after eating his meal. Shortly, the waiter brings the bill, which says:
OMELETE $1.50
TEA $.25
The diner asks if the waiter wouldn't mind taking the bill back and rewriting it as omelette with two t's. The waiter leaves for a minute or two, then comes back with a new bill, which says:
OMELETE $1.50
2 TEAS $.50
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's a hot dog's favorite car?
A Rolls.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Jokes of the Week #56: Duh...More Not Smartness!
Sally: "Say, won't you get hot wearing so much to paint your house?"
Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?
Because the zero was upside down!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"
Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"
Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."
Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell a stupid pirate?
He's the one with a patch over both eyes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?
They pushed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."
Perry: "What's that?"
Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?
When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus call the 7-11?
To see when they were closed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?
He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?
She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?
He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."
Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?
He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"
Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."
Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June: "Say, is that a new car?"
Nate: "Well, certainly."
June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"
Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?
He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"
Frankie: "It's 10:28."
Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."
Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"
Customer: "Soap and water."
Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."
Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?
He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a doofus get the most out of his money?
By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"
Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?
He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?
A stop sign.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.
"Hi, Gladys."
"Hi, Val."
"Say, how do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."
"Yes?"
"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?
So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?
Because the zero was upside down!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"
Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"
Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."
Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell a stupid pirate?
He's the one with a patch over both eyes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?
They pushed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."
Perry: "What's that?"
Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?
When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus call the 7-11?
To see when they were closed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?
He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?
She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?
He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."
Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?
He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"
Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."
Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June: "Say, is that a new car?"
Nate: "Well, certainly."
June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"
Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?
He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"
Frankie: "It's 10:28."
Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."
Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"
Customer: "Soap and water."
Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."
Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?
He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a doofus get the most out of his money?
By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"
Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?
He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?
A stop sign.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.
"Hi, Gladys."
"Hi, Val."
"Say, how do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."
"Yes?"
"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?
So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Jokes of the Week#23:Not Smartness
How many doofuses does it take to play tag?
One.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey owl?
He went around saying, "What? What?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a doofus spell "Farm"?
"E-I-E-I-O."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the doofus get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a rowing machine for Christmas?
It's a good thing the lake was frozen, or she would have drowned!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus use white-out on his computer screen?
Because he couldn't find an eraser.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a fax was sent by a doofus?
There's a stamp on it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a doofus busy?
Write "Turn Over" on both sides of a card and give it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a doofus?
Put him in a round room and ask him to stand in the corner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goofy Gertie comes home one day and finds her house on fire. She calls the fire department. "Hurry! Come quick! My house is on fire!" she hollers.
"Uhm, how will we get to your house?" the fireman on the other end asks.
Gertie replies, "Well, what happened to your big red truck?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What plays on a doofus' walkman?
"Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dopey Dan is driving down the highway when his car phone rings; it's his wife. "Honey, you'd better be careful," she says. "I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on Main Street."
Dan replies, "It's not just one, there must be hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a doofus has been sending e-mails?
There are a bunch of envelopes jammed in his disk drive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the dopey tap dancer break her leg?
She fell in the sink.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy places a book on the librarian's desk and says, "This book has no plot and way, way, way too many characters!"
The librarian says, "Ah, so that's where the phone book went."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a doofus laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the doofus get fired from the fish hook factory?
For throwing out the bent ones!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the three dopey tourists going for a vacation at Disneyland? They were driving down the highway and saw a sign reading, "DISNEYLAND LEFT", so they went home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if there's a doofus at the airport?
She's the one throwing bread to the airplanes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus want to become a veterinarian?
Because he loved vegetables.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How long does it take a doofus to change a basement window?
Ten hours. Just one hour to put the window in, but nine hours to dig the hole for the ladder.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goofy Gus wants to cook his wife a special dinner for their anniversary. He goes out to the barn, selects a turkey, plucks it and sticks it in the oven. An hour later, Gus realizes he hasn't turned the oven on; he pulls the door open, and the turkey stands up and says, "Listen here, mister, either turn up the heat or give me my feathers back!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't doofuses drink Kool-Aid?
They can't ever figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packets.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Josh:"Floyd, could you look and see if my turn signal is on?"
Floyd:"Yes-no-yes-no-yes-no-yes-no.."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you sink a submarine full of doofuses?
Knock on the door.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus cover the nail he was hammering with his finger?
The noise was giving him a headache.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the doofus do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur at home?
She moved.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus return her A.M. radio?
She wanted to listen to music at night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the doofus' brain the size of a pea after exercising?
It swelled up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus get so excited after he finished a puzzle in two weeks?
Because the box said, "From 4-8 years."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You and a doofus are on a plane going to Paris. How can you steal her window seat?
Tell her that the seats that are going to Paris are in the middle row.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman:"Didn't you see the sign? This is a one-way street."
Waldo:"But I was only going one way."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer:"If you could talk with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Carl:"The living one."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the stupid burglar who saw a "WANTED" poster outside the police station and went in and applied for a job?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a stupid workman?
Lay down three shovels and ask him to take his pick.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy walks into a library and says, "I'd like a hamburger, french fries, and a milkshake, please."
The librarian says, "This is a library."
The guy whispers, "Sorry. I'd like a hamburger, french fries, and a milkshake, please."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy is bragging to his friend about knowing all the state capitols. "Go on, ask me any capitol at all." he says.
"Okay," his friend says. "What's the capitol of Tennessee?
The guy replies, "T."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a new boomerang for Christmas?
He spent four weeks trying to throw out the old one!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus stand in front of the mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like when he was asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's red and hangs in a banana tree?
A goofy strawberry.*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What goes "Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!"
A doofus trying to drive through a blinking red light.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marvin wasn't the brightest man in town, but when the local sherrif was looking for a deputy, he decided to apply for the job.
"Before I hire you, I need you to answer some questions," the sherrif says. "What do 1 and 1 make?"
"11." Marvin replies.
"Well, that wasn't quite what I meant, but I guess technically that's correct." the sherrif says. "Okay, now, what two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow." Marvin replies.
"Well, that wasn't quite what I meant, but I guess technically that's correct." the sherrif says. "Okay, now, for your final question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Marvin thinks long and hard, but is never able to come up with the answer. "Gee...I just don't know."
"I'd like you to go home and think it over." the sherrif says.
That night, after Marvin comes home, his mother asks him how the interview went. "Wonderful, just wonderful!" he replies. "First day on the job, and already I'm working on a murder case!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey owl?
He went around saying, "What? What?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a doofus spell "Farm"?
"E-I-E-I-O."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the doofus get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a rowing machine for Christmas?
It's a good thing the lake was frozen, or she would have drowned!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus use white-out on his computer screen?
Because he couldn't find an eraser.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a fax was sent by a doofus?
There's a stamp on it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a doofus busy?
Write "Turn Over" on both sides of a card and give it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a doofus?
Put him in a round room and ask him to stand in the corner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goofy Gertie comes home one day and finds her house on fire. She calls the fire department. "Hurry! Come quick! My house is on fire!" she hollers.
"Uhm, how will we get to your house?" the fireman on the other end asks.
Gertie replies, "Well, what happened to your big red truck?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What plays on a doofus' walkman?
"Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dopey Dan is driving down the highway when his car phone rings; it's his wife. "Honey, you'd better be careful," she says. "I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on Main Street."
Dan replies, "It's not just one, there must be hundreds of them!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a doofus has been sending e-mails?
There are a bunch of envelopes jammed in his disk drive.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the dopey tap dancer break her leg?
She fell in the sink.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy places a book on the librarian's desk and says, "This book has no plot and way, way, way too many characters!"
The librarian says, "Ah, so that's where the phone book went."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a doofus laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the doofus get fired from the fish hook factory?
For throwing out the bent ones!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the three dopey tourists going for a vacation at Disneyland? They were driving down the highway and saw a sign reading, "DISNEYLAND LEFT", so they went home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if there's a doofus at the airport?
She's the one throwing bread to the airplanes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus want to become a veterinarian?
Because he loved vegetables.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How long does it take a doofus to change a basement window?
Ten hours. Just one hour to put the window in, but nine hours to dig the hole for the ladder.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goofy Gus wants to cook his wife a special dinner for their anniversary. He goes out to the barn, selects a turkey, plucks it and sticks it in the oven. An hour later, Gus realizes he hasn't turned the oven on; he pulls the door open, and the turkey stands up and says, "Listen here, mister, either turn up the heat or give me my feathers back!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't doofuses drink Kool-Aid?
They can't ever figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packets.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Josh:"Floyd, could you look and see if my turn signal is on?"
Floyd:"Yes-no-yes-no-yes-no-yes-no.."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you sink a submarine full of doofuses?
Knock on the door.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus cover the nail he was hammering with his finger?
The noise was giving him a headache.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the doofus do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur at home?
She moved.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus return her A.M. radio?
She wanted to listen to music at night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the doofus' brain the size of a pea after exercising?
It swelled up.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus get so excited after he finished a puzzle in two weeks?
Because the box said, "From 4-8 years."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You and a doofus are on a plane going to Paris. How can you steal her window seat?
Tell her that the seats that are going to Paris are in the middle row.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman:"Didn't you see the sign? This is a one-way street."
Waldo:"But I was only going one way."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer:"If you could talk with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Carl:"The living one."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the stupid burglar who saw a "WANTED" poster outside the police station and went in and applied for a job?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you confuse a stupid workman?
Lay down three shovels and ask him to take his pick.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy walks into a library and says, "I'd like a hamburger, french fries, and a milkshake, please."
The librarian says, "This is a library."
The guy whispers, "Sorry. I'd like a hamburger, french fries, and a milkshake, please."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy is bragging to his friend about knowing all the state capitols. "Go on, ask me any capitol at all." he says.
"Okay," his friend says. "What's the capitol of Tennessee?
The guy replies, "T."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a new boomerang for Christmas?
He spent four weeks trying to throw out the old one!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus stand in front of the mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like when he was asleep.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's red and hangs in a banana tree?
A goofy strawberry.*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What goes "Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!"
A doofus trying to drive through a blinking red light.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marvin wasn't the brightest man in town, but when the local sherrif was looking for a deputy, he decided to apply for the job.
"Before I hire you, I need you to answer some questions," the sherrif says. "What do 1 and 1 make?"
"11." Marvin replies.
"Well, that wasn't quite what I meant, but I guess technically that's correct." the sherrif says. "Okay, now, what two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow." Marvin replies.
"Well, that wasn't quite what I meant, but I guess technically that's correct." the sherrif says. "Okay, now, for your final question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Marvin thinks long and hard, but is never able to come up with the answer. "Gee...I just don't know."
"I'd like you to go home and think it over." the sherrif says.
That night, after Marvin comes home, his mother asks him how the interview went. "Wonderful, just wonderful!" he replies. "First day on the job, and already I'm working on a murder case!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Hmm, could this be how strawberry banana smoothies are made? :-D)
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Joke of the Week #19
Two doofuses are walking along when they come across a mirror. One of them picks the mirror up, looks in it and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar, but I can't quite place them."
"Let me see." the second doofus says. The first doofus hands him the mirror; he looks in it and says, "You dope, of course he looks familiar. It's me."
"Let me see." the second doofus says. The first doofus hands him the mirror; he looks in it and says, "You dope, of course he looks familiar. It's me."
Friday, June 22, 2012
Jokes of the Week #11:Doctor! Doctor!
"Doctor, no one will pay attention to me."
"Next!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy comes into the doctor's office with a carrot in his left ear, a banana in his right ear, and a bean in each nostril. The doctor says, "You aren't eating right."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I broke my arm in two places."
"Well, I sure wouldn't go back to those two places!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nelly:"I had been seeing fuzzy spots in front of my eyes, so I went to the eye doctor, and he gave me these glasses."
Zoe:"Oh, how nice! Do they work?"
Nelly:"Yes, I can see the spots so much more clearly now!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Well, just sit over here on this couch, and we'll talk about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, my brother keeps thinking he's a pretzel."
"Well, bring him in, and I'll straighten him out."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm worried about my kids, Doctor. All they do all day is climb trees and swing from vines."
"Don't worry, ma'am, this is a very benign condition."
"Oh, thank you, doctor. Now, how much will the bill be?"
"30 bananas."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dalmatian goes in to the eye doctor. "Every time I look at my friend, I see spots." she says.
"Well, I wouldn't be concerned about that," the doctor says. "You are a Dalmatian, after all."
"What difference does that make?" the Dalmatian replies. "My friend's a Tabby cat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me."
"Please say that again, and this time, don't both speak at once."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a horse."
"Well ma'am, I can cure him, but it's going to be fairly expensive."
"Money's no problem, he just won the Kentucky Derby."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a refrigerator."
"Not to worry, ma'am, this is a very benign condition."
"Well, maybe so, but the light from his mouth keeps me awake at night."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I have this terrible feeling that everyone's trying to take advantage of me."
"Don't be concerned, sir, there's nothing to it at all."
"Gosh, thanks doctor, I feel a whole lot better. Now, how much will my bill be?"
"How much do you have?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor tells this dopey guy, "Go home and drink a glass of warm tea after a hot bath."
The guy thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the doctor calls him and asks, "So, did the remedy I perscribed work?"
The guy answers, "I'm not sure. After I drank the bath, I didn't have room for the tea!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, you gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm happy!"
"Well, goodness, what in the world could be wrong with that?"
"Happy's my guinea pig."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor:"Sir, I believe you're suffering from a split personality."
Patient:"No, we aren't."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor:"I have good news and bad news for you, sir. The good news is that you're suffering from a split personality."
Patient:"Are you kidding? That's the good news?! Then what could the bad news possibly be?"
Doctor:"I'm going to have to bill you twice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor:"When you brought your son to me this morning, you'd said he had trouble eating, but when I examined him, I found out that he had a broken nose."
Mrs. Warren:"Sorry doctor, I must not have been too clear when I said, 'He only pecks at his food."'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a movie."
"I thought I'd seen you somewhere before."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howard comes into work one day with both of his ears bandaged up. "Gosh," the boss says. "How did you hurt your ears like that?"
Howard says, "Well, I was ironing a shirt one morning, when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains the one ear, but what happened to the other one?"
Howard says, "Well, see, then I had to call the doctor..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, you gotta give me something for my headache!"
"Well, I really didn't care to have it, but I'll give you a dollar if you insist."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I have this weird problem, doctor. Some days I wake up and think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, and some days I wake up and think I'm Goofy!"
"I see, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm an alarm clock."
"Well, take two aspirin and ring me in the morning!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He opens the door and there's a six-foot cockroach standing in front of him. The cockroach pummels him black and blue and steals his wallet.
In the house next door, another guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He answers the door, and there's the six-foot cockroach. The cockroach clobbers him over the head and kicks him in the shins.
In the next house over, another guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He opens his door, and there's the six-foot cockroach again. The cockroach punches him in the eye, socks him in the nose, and kicks him in the bum.
The three guys drag themselves to the hospital; once there, they tell the doctor what had happened and describe the six-foot cockroach. The doctor says, "Yes, I've heard that there's been a nasty bug going around."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, you gotta help me! My throat is wurst."
"I think you mean, 'worse', sir."
"No, I really do mean 'wurst'. Do you know how much it hurts to choke on a sausage?"*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, my body hurts whenever I touch it." The doctor says, "Show me." So, the guy touches his leg and screams, then he touches his leg and shrieks, then he touches his neck and wails. The doctor says, "Your finger's broken."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible!"
"Who said that?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Extra: What was the first thing the Big Bad Wolf ate after going to the dentist?
The dentist.(I couldn't resist. :-D)
"Next!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy comes into the doctor's office with a carrot in his left ear, a banana in his right ear, and a bean in each nostril. The doctor says, "You aren't eating right."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I broke my arm in two places."
"Well, I sure wouldn't go back to those two places!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nelly:"I had been seeing fuzzy spots in front of my eyes, so I went to the eye doctor, and he gave me these glasses."
Zoe:"Oh, how nice! Do they work?"
Nelly:"Yes, I can see the spots so much more clearly now!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Well, just sit over here on this couch, and we'll talk about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, my brother keeps thinking he's a pretzel."
"Well, bring him in, and I'll straighten him out."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm worried about my kids, Doctor. All they do all day is climb trees and swing from vines."
"Don't worry, ma'am, this is a very benign condition."
"Oh, thank you, doctor. Now, how much will the bill be?"
"30 bananas."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Dalmatian goes in to the eye doctor. "Every time I look at my friend, I see spots." she says.
"Well, I wouldn't be concerned about that," the doctor says. "You are a Dalmatian, after all."
"What difference does that make?" the Dalmatian replies. "My friend's a Tabby cat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me."
"Please say that again, and this time, don't both speak at once."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a horse."
"Well ma'am, I can cure him, but it's going to be fairly expensive."
"Money's no problem, he just won the Kentucky Derby."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a refrigerator."
"Not to worry, ma'am, this is a very benign condition."
"Well, maybe so, but the light from his mouth keeps me awake at night."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I have this terrible feeling that everyone's trying to take advantage of me."
"Don't be concerned, sir, there's nothing to it at all."
"Gosh, thanks doctor, I feel a whole lot better. Now, how much will my bill be?"
"How much do you have?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor tells this dopey guy, "Go home and drink a glass of warm tea after a hot bath."
The guy thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the doctor calls him and asks, "So, did the remedy I perscribed work?"
The guy answers, "I'm not sure. After I drank the bath, I didn't have room for the tea!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, you gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm happy!"
"Well, goodness, what in the world could be wrong with that?"
"Happy's my guinea pig."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor:"Sir, I believe you're suffering from a split personality."
Patient:"No, we aren't."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor:"I have good news and bad news for you, sir. The good news is that you're suffering from a split personality."
Patient:"Are you kidding? That's the good news?! Then what could the bad news possibly be?"
Doctor:"I'm going to have to bill you twice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor:"When you brought your son to me this morning, you'd said he had trouble eating, but when I examined him, I found out that he had a broken nose."
Mrs. Warren:"Sorry doctor, I must not have been too clear when I said, 'He only pecks at his food."'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a movie."
"I thought I'd seen you somewhere before."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howard comes into work one day with both of his ears bandaged up. "Gosh," the boss says. "How did you hurt your ears like that?"
Howard says, "Well, I was ironing a shirt one morning, when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains the one ear, but what happened to the other one?"
Howard says, "Well, see, then I had to call the doctor..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, you gotta give me something for my headache!"
"Well, I really didn't care to have it, but I'll give you a dollar if you insist."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I have this weird problem, doctor. Some days I wake up and think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, and some days I wake up and think I'm Goofy!"
"I see, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm an alarm clock."
"Well, take two aspirin and ring me in the morning!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He opens the door and there's a six-foot cockroach standing in front of him. The cockroach pummels him black and blue and steals his wallet.
In the house next door, another guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He answers the door, and there's the six-foot cockroach. The cockroach clobbers him over the head and kicks him in the shins.
In the next house over, another guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He opens his door, and there's the six-foot cockroach again. The cockroach punches him in the eye, socks him in the nose, and kicks him in the bum.
The three guys drag themselves to the hospital; once there, they tell the doctor what had happened and describe the six-foot cockroach. The doctor says, "Yes, I've heard that there's been a nasty bug going around."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, you gotta help me! My throat is wurst."
"I think you mean, 'worse', sir."
"No, I really do mean 'wurst'. Do you know how much it hurts to choke on a sausage?"*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, my body hurts whenever I touch it." The doctor says, "Show me." So, the guy touches his leg and screams, then he touches his leg and shrieks, then he touches his neck and wails. The doctor says, "Your finger's broken."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible!"
"Who said that?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Warning:This may just be the wurst joke on this page. :-D)
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Extra: What was the first thing the Big Bad Wolf ate after going to the dentist?
The dentist.(I couldn't resist. :-D)
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Jokes of the Week #5:Foodie Fun
"Waiter, why do you have your thumb on my steak?"
"I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you serve fish here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Then could you bring some fish flakes for my koi?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, how long will my cheese sub be?"
"Oh, about eight inches."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Yes."
"Well, then, hop into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's thin, salty, and romantic?
Chips that pass in the night.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannah and her friends are hanging out after school, chatting about their favorite places to eat a hamburger. Ben says he likes a picnic table at the park, Danny likes a bench at the local fair, and Erin likes a table at the beach. Erin then turns to Hannah and asks, "Where's your favorite place to eat a hamburger?"
Hannah says, "In my mouth."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you turn a pie into a vegetable?
Toss it into the air and it comes down SQUASH!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In ancient Greece, there was a cyclops named Pete who was feared by everyone. One look from his eye could zap someone. Everyone in Greece was warned to beware Pete's zap eye.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the backstroke, ma'am."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a fly in my ice cream!"
"Serves him right. Let him freeze!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like he's playing water polo, sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Actually, the chef's a witch doctor, and that's what's left of our last customer."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!"
"Sorry, sir, but we can't always guarantee you'll always get a living one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a dead moth in my soup!"
"It's the heat that kills them, ma'am."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a dead ant in my soup!"
"Yes, they're not very good swimmers."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Yesterday there was no fly in my soup, but today there is one!"
"Yes, we're a fly-by-night operation."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy goes into a pizza parlor and orders a pizza. The guy behind the counter asks, "Would you like it cut into six slices or twelve?"
The guy says, "Six. I could never eat twelve slices."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grizzly bear goes into a restaurant and says, "I'd like a burger, french fries and a......soda."
The guy behind the counter says, "Why the big pause?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into an Italian restaurant and says to the waiter, "Give me an order of lasagna before the trouble starts."
The waiter brings him the lasagna and he eats it, then says, "Give me a slice of pizza before the trouble starts."
The waiter brings him the pizza and he eats it, then says, "Quick, bring me an order of spaghetti! The trouble's going to start at any minute now."
The waiter says, "Excuse me, sir, but when is all this trouble supposed to start?"
The guy says, "The trouble starts as soon as you find out I don't have any money."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A frog goes into a restaurant and orders soup. After the waiter seves him, he yells, "Hey, waiter! There's no fly in my soup!"
"I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you serve fish here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Then could you bring some fish flakes for my koi?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, how long will my cheese sub be?"
"Oh, about eight inches."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Yes."
"Well, then, hop into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's thin, salty, and romantic?
Chips that pass in the night.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannah and her friends are hanging out after school, chatting about their favorite places to eat a hamburger. Ben says he likes a picnic table at the park, Danny likes a bench at the local fair, and Erin likes a table at the beach. Erin then turns to Hannah and asks, "Where's your favorite place to eat a hamburger?"
Hannah says, "In my mouth."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you turn a pie into a vegetable?
Toss it into the air and it comes down SQUASH!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In ancient Greece, there was a cyclops named Pete who was feared by everyone. One look from his eye could zap someone. Everyone in Greece was warned to beware Pete's zap eye.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like the backstroke, ma'am."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a fly in my ice cream!"
"Serves him right. Let him freeze!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"
"Looks like he's playing water polo, sir."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Actually, the chef's a witch doctor, and that's what's left of our last customer."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!"
"Sorry, sir, but we can't always guarantee you'll always get a living one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a dead moth in my soup!"
"It's the heat that kills them, ma'am."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Waiter, there's a dead ant in my soup!"
"Yes, they're not very good swimmers."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Yesterday there was no fly in my soup, but today there is one!"
"Yes, we're a fly-by-night operation."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dopey guy goes into a pizza parlor and orders a pizza. The guy behind the counter asks, "Would you like it cut into six slices or twelve?"
The guy says, "Six. I could never eat twelve slices."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grizzly bear goes into a restaurant and says, "I'd like a burger, french fries and a......soda."
The guy behind the counter says, "Why the big pause?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into an Italian restaurant and says to the waiter, "Give me an order of lasagna before the trouble starts."
The waiter brings him the lasagna and he eats it, then says, "Give me a slice of pizza before the trouble starts."
The waiter brings him the pizza and he eats it, then says, "Quick, bring me an order of spaghetti! The trouble's going to start at any minute now."
The waiter says, "Excuse me, sir, but when is all this trouble supposed to start?"
The guy says, "The trouble starts as soon as you find out I don't have any money."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A frog goes into a restaurant and orders soup. After the waiter seves him, he yells, "Hey, waiter! There's no fly in my soup!"
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Well, you certainly can't accuse them of false advertising!
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