From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Showing posts with label William Shakespeare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label William Shakespeare. Show all posts
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Joke of the Week #71
William Shakespeare was trying to write a new play, but unfortunately hadn't been feeling very inspired that day. He was puzzling over how to begin the next speech, when he suddenly looked down at his pencil. "That's it!" he exclaimed. "2B..."
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Jokes of the Week #56: Duh...More Not Smartness!
Sally: "Say, won't you get hot wearing so much to paint your house?"
Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."
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Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?
Because the zero was upside down!
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Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"
Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"
Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."
Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell a stupid pirate?
He's the one with a patch over both eyes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?
They pushed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."
Perry: "What's that?"
Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?
When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus call the 7-11?
To see when they were closed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?
He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?
She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?
He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."
Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?
He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"
Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."
Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June: "Say, is that a new car?"
Nate: "Well, certainly."
June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"
Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?
He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"
Frankie: "It's 10:28."
Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."
Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"
Customer: "Soap and water."
Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."
Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?
He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a doofus get the most out of his money?
By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"
Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?
He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?
A stop sign.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.
"Hi, Gladys."
"Hi, Val."
"Say, how do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."
"Yes?"
"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?
So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?
Because the zero was upside down!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"
Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"
Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."
Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell a stupid pirate?
He's the one with a patch over both eyes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?
They pushed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."
Perry: "What's that?"
Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?
When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus call the 7-11?
To see when they were closed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?
He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?
She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?
He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."
Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?
He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"
Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."
Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June: "Say, is that a new car?"
Nate: "Well, certainly."
June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"
Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?
The brain rejected him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?
He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?
He stole a free sample.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"
Frankie: "It's 10:28."
Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."
Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"
Customer: "Soap and water."
Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."
Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?
He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does a doofus get the most out of his money?
By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"
Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?
He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?
A stop sign.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.
"Hi, Gladys."
"Hi, Val."
"Say, how do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."
"Yes?"
"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?
So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Jokes of the Week #53: Bestseller List
The Invisible Man
by Donna C. Yew
Swimming the English Channel
by Francis Neer
100 Great Recipes
by Dean R. Bell
Carpeting Made Easy
by Walter Wall
Same Old, Same Old
by Ben Dare and Dawn Datt
The Lone Cowboy
by Larry Att
Strong Winds
by Gail Force
Sahara Journey
by Rhoda Camel
The Haunted House
by Hugo First
The Millionaire
by Iva Fortune
Can You Really Make Friends With Dracula?
by Dawn U. B'leevitt
World Atlas
by Geo. Graffie
Babysitting Made Easy
by Justin Casey Howells
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare
by Toby R. Nottobee
The Unknown Author
by Ann Onymous
Surrounded by Sharks
by Don Rock Daboat
How to Be an Expert Bullfighter
by Matt Adore
The Traveller's Guide to Alaska
by R.U. Kold and I.M. Freezn
I Poked a Rhino in the Nose
by Ron Feryerlife
Famous Frights
by Terry Fyde, Minerva S. Wreck, and I. Will Wiggout
Toxic Waste
by Paul Ooshun
Excercise at Home
by Ben Dan Stretch
Across the African Plains
by Ann T. Lope
Stormy Days
by A. Pauline Weather
Reptiles and Amphibians of the World
by Sally Mander and Tad Paul
Primitive Weaponry
by Bo N. Arros
Why I Walked Home From Work
by Mr. Bus
The True Story of How I Was Hit by an Alien's Blaster Ray
by O. Howard Hertz
Making Electricity
by Jenna Rator
Butterfly Catching Made Easy
by Annette N. Ajar
Collecting Modern Paintings
by Art X. Ibit
One, Two,
by Buck L. Myshoo
Department Store Courtesy
by May I. Helpyoo
150 Mexican Recipes
by Holly Peenyo
How to Run a Service Station
by Phillip McCarr and Bud Aaron Tyre
Yummy Christmas Treats
by Candy Kane
I Couldn't Sleep a Wink
by Eliza Wake
The New Improved Thesaurus
by Dick Shunnery and Alfie Bett
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Classic Cartoon Showcase: Popeye in Shakespearian Spinach
In this humorous classic, Popeye and Olive have the lead roles in a production of Romeo and Juliet...but Bluto may have his own idea of who should play Romeo! Please enjoy!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Jokes of the Week #20:Famous Folks of Fact and Fiction
(These are actually last week's jokes, but it's okay; I've kept them in the fridge, so, hopefully they won't be any more stale than usual. :-D)
What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's girlfriend drive?
A Minnie-van.
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What would you call Superman if he lost his superpowers?
Man.
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Why was Elvis so cool?
Because he had a lot of fans.
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A little-known fact:
Mary Poppins used to be a fortune teller on the west coast. The interesting thing about this was, rather than reading people's palms or reading tea leaves, she could predict their future simply by smelling their breath. The sign on the door of her shop read, "Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis."
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How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three. His left ear, his right ear, and "The Final Front Ear."
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What do you get if you cross Kirby with Atilla the Hun?
Atilla the Hungry!
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What do you call a Pokemon with a cold?
A Pik-achoo!
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Frankie: "Say, did you know that I once sang for the Queen of England?"
Becky: "No kidding, really?"
Frankie: "Well...that's what she told me, anyway. She said, 'If you're a singer, then I'm the Queen of England.'"
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Who eats spinach and makes clothes?
Popeye the Tailorman.
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What tree knows Kung Fu?
Spruce Lee.
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Who lives in a pod and practices Kung Fu?
Bruce Pea.
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What movie features classical music and Dumbo dancing?
Elephantasia.
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What movie features Remy practicing Kung Fu?
The Ka-Ratty Kid.
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What do you get if you cross a small bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Pee-Yew!
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What's the closest thing to silver?
The Lone Ranger's bum.
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What movie features a dinosaur park and Lassie?
Jurassic Bark.
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What do you get if you cross Chowder with William Shakespeare?
A bard who says, "To eat or not to eat?"
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What video game features monsters, a scary medieval castle, and Fat Albert?
Shadowgut.
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What did Huey, Dewey, and Louie say when they saw something flying toward their uncle's head?
"Donald, duck!"
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What to you get if you cross a famous hockey player with a Sea-Doo?
Wayne Jet-Ski.
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"Can you tell me the location of every phone booth in the city, please?" the voice on the phone asks.
"I'm sorry," the operator replies. "We can't give out that information."
"You can't?" the voice replies sadly.
"Sorry, no." the operator replies. "Why is this information so important to you?"
"Because I'm Superman and my pants are in one of those phone booths."
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Who grants wishes for Cinderella cow?
Her Dairy Godmother.
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Here's one, now all we need is 100 more. :-D
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