Joke of the Week #99

A lady walking down the street notices a little boy struggling to reach a high doorbell at a nearby house. "Here, son," she says kindly as she traipses up to him. "I'll help you." She gives the little boy a gentle boost, upon which he rings the doorbell with ease.

"Thanks, miss." The boy replies. "Now, run like crazy!"

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #98

Harold: "Excuse me, Mr. Ghost, but could you give my boss a scare, please?"

Ghost: "Certainly, sir. I can scare him out of his wits for only ten dollars."

Harold: "I'll pay you five; he's only a half-wit."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #97

A baby penguin goes to his mother one day and asks, "Mommy, am I a penguin?"

His mother replies, "Why, of course you're a penguin. I'm a penguin and your father's a penguin, too."

The chick then inquires, "But am I 100% pure penguin?"

His mother replies, "Ask your father."

The chick then goes to his father and inquires, "Daddy, am I a penguin? I mean, 100% pure penguin?"

His father then replies, "Why, of course you're a penguin. I'm a penguin, your mother's a penguin, both of my parents are penguins, both of your mother's parents are penguins, and each of our grandparents were penguins, too. Yes, son, you most certainly are 100% pure penguin. What makes you ask a funny question like that?"

The chick replies, "Because I'm freezing!"

Another little charmer.

Jokes of the Week #96: Jokes We Won't Get to Hear

Did you hear the joke about the submarine?

Oh well, it takes too long to sink in.

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Did you hear the joke about the Rubik's Cube?

Oh well, it's too hard to figure out.

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Did you hear the joke about the Abominable Snowman?

Oh well, it only leaves people cold.

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Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Oh well, it's kind of pointless.

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Did you hear the joke about the farmer who gave the pig a bath?

Oh well, it's just a lot of hogwash.

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Did you hear the joke about the vitamin pill the size of the Empire State Building?

Oh well, it's too hard to swallow.

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Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened knife?

Oh well, it's kind of dull.

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Did you hear the joke about the giant skunk?

Oh well, it would only raise a big stink.

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Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?

Oh well, I don't want to spread it around.

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Did you hear the joke about the underground labyrinth?

Oh well, it's a little too deep.

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Did you hear the joke about the campfire?

Oh well, it fizzles out near the end.

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Did you hear the joke about the Invisible Man?

Oh well, people always see right through it.

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Did you hear the joke about the kiddie pool?

Oh well, it's kind of shallow.

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Did you hear the joke about the tea with no cream or sugar?

Oh well, it's kind of weak.

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Did you hear the joke about the lazy tenant?

Oh well, it's only an idle roomer.

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Did you hear the joke about the pyramids?

Oh well, it's old stuff.

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Did you hear the joke about the storm?

Oh well, I don't want to make heavy weather over it.

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Did you hear the joke about the burned-out light bulb?

Oh well, it's kind of dim.

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Joke of the Week #95

A sea captain is holding a class at a local dock where several young men and women are learning how to be sailors. "All right, class," the captain states. "Now, if you were out at sea and suddenly a tremendous storm brewed up, what should you do?" A young man in the front row raises his hand. "Yes, lad?" the captain replies.

"Throw out an anchor." the young man relies.

"Very good. Now, if another tremendous storm brewed up shortly thereafter, what should you do then?"

"Throw out another anchor."

A puzzled look crosses the captain's face. "Well, but what if another tremendous storm brews up?"

"I'd throw out yet another anchor."

"Now hold on for a second, son," the captain says incredulously. "Where do you keep getting all of these anchors?"

"The same place you keep getting all of these tremendous storms, sir." the young man replies.

Joke of the Week #94

Goofy Gus wants to take a trip to Japan, so he calls up a travel agent. "Excuse me, how long does it take to fly to Japan?"

"Just a minute," the agent replies as he goes to consult his timetables.

"Thanks!" Gus replies as he then hangs up the phone.

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #93

Libby: "I was named Libby after Margaret."

Dora(Perplexed): "How could you be named Libby after Margaret?"

Libby: "Well, my older sister's name was Margaret, and when I was born, my parents named me Libby after Margaret."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #92

Jane: "I can see that you've had cereal, toast with grape jelly, and orange juice for breakfast this morning."

Paul: "Wow, that's amazing! Did you read my mind?"

Jane: "No, the front of your shirt."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #91

Dopey Dan is visiting the beach for the first time, carrying a bucket in one hand. He walks up to the lifeguard and inquires, "Excuse me please, Ma'am. How much does a bucket of water cost?"

The lifeguard decides to have some fun with him and says, "Twenty-five cents. Please take as much as you like."

"Thanks!" Dan replies, upon which he traipses down to the shore, fills up the bucket, then hands the lifeguard a quarter.

As evening falls, it's lowtide; observing the ebbing tide, Dan turns to the lifeguard and says, "Boy, looks like you've certainly had some business day!"

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

Joke of the Week #90

An outlaw in the old west has been captured and taken to the judge.

Judge: "Is it true that you've held up several trains in this area?"

Outlaw: "Well, yes and no."

Judge: Where did you hold up the trains?"

Outlaw: "Here and there."

Judge: "What did you steal from the passengers?"

Outlaw: "This and that."

Judge: "Sherriff, arrest this man!"

Outlaw: "Hey! When do I get out?"

Judge: "Oh, sooner or later."

Joke of the Week #89

A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when a gust of wind blew his hat down the street. "Would you like me to go get it for you?" the crook inquires.

"You must think I'm really dumb," the cop replies indignantly. "I'd like for you to wait here while I go get it."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #88

First Explorer: "I came across a large Bengal tiger in the wilds of India last week, and managed to capture him in my pajamas."

Second Explorer: "How in the world did a Bengal tiger get in your pajamas?"

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #87

An absent-minded professor calls his neighbor Henry on the phone. "Hello, Henry. Might I ask for a little help with something, please?"

"Sure," Henry replies. "How may I help you?"

"Well, I've just gotten a new jigsaw puzzle, but there are about a thousand pieces or so, and none of them seem to fit together. It's so confusing I don't know where to start."

"What's the picture of?" Henry inquires.

"A big toucan." the professor replies.

"Ill be over in just a second." Henry promises. When he arrives at the house, the professor leads him into the living room, over to a coffee table. After one look at the table, Henry says, "Gee, Professor Murphy, don't you think you should put the Froot Loops back in the box?"

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #86

Mom: "How did your first soccer game go, dear?"

Betty: "It went very well, Mom, but the other girls really need to learn how to share."

Mom: "Why's that?"

Betty: "They kept fighting the whole time over who gets the ball."

Joke of the Week #85

A little boy is visiting an art museum with his parents. When they enter the main room, he observes a sign reading, "ART OBJECTS." The boy taps his father on the shoulder and asks, "If art objects, why is he letting everyone look at his paintings?"

Joke of the Week #83

Jane walks into a coffee shop and asks the barista, "How much is a doughnut and a cup of coffee?"

The barista replies, "A doughnut is 75 cents and a cup of coffee is $1.00."

Jane asks, "How much is a refill?"

"Refills are free."

"Well, in that case, I'd like a doughnut and a refill, please."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #82

Jeff: "I was going to serve green beans for dinner, but I accidentally dropped them."

Sally: "So what are you serving now?"

Jeff: "Squash."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

But do they have a (driver's) license?

Joke of the Week #81

A long time ago, in medieval England, two knights, one tall and one short, are riding out into the mountains to battle a dragon. As they reach the outside of the dragon's cave, the short knight turns to his associate and says, "I'm going in after the dragon. You just wait out here in case he comes out."

"Sure thing." the tall knight obliges, upon which the short knight disembarks his horse and traipses inside.

After wandering through the darkness for a few minutes, the short knight hears a loud rumbling roar and looks up to see the dragon, smoke pouring from his nostrils, staring him right in the face. "Say," the short knight says. "I'll be that I can prove to you that dragons don't exist."

"All right." the beast agrees, upon which the short knight takes a pocket dictionary out of a pocket in his armor and hands it to the dragon. The dragon puts on his reading glasses and pores over the dictionary, "Hmm, alligators, apes, armadillos...bats, beagles, bears...ferrets, frogs, foxes...geckos, giraffes, gorillas...lemmings, lemurs, llamas...newts, nightingales, nutrias...opossums, ostriches, otters...skunks, snakes, sparrows...tigers, toads, turtles...walruses, whales, wolves...zebras, zebus, zorillas. Nope, no dragons." And with that, the dragon disappears in a puff of smoke.

As the short knight leaves the cave he's greeted by his associate, who's pleased to see him unharmed. "How did you ever defeat that awful dragon?"

"Oh, wasn't a big deal, really, I just proved to him that dragon's don't exist. By the way, could we stop by the local pet store on our way home? I promised my wife a phoenix for her birthday."

   

Joke of the Week #80

Sam: "Excuse me, but why doesn't that antelope have any antlers?"

Zookeeper: "There are many reasons why an antelope might not have antlers. Some grow antlers late in life, others might lose them in a fight, and then there are certain species that simply aren't supposed to have antlers. This antelope doesn't have antlers because it's a donkey."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Joke of the Week #79: Halloween Special

A teenage boy comes in to a costume shop and says, "I'm looking for a costume for a Halloween party I'm going to this evening. Is there anything you'd reccommend?"

"Well," says the cashier. "How about a knight costume? I can give you a metal suit of armor, a silk cape, and a real sword for $50."

The boy hadn't wanted to spend quite that much, so he asked the cashier if he might have something a little cheaper. "Well," the cashier replies. "I can give you one with plastic armor, a cloth cape, and a rubber sword for $25."

This was still a bit more than the boy had wanted to spend, so he asked if the cashier might have something cheaper still. "Well," the cashier replies. "I can give you one with cloth armor, a felt cape, and a cardboard sword for $10."

This was still a little too expensive, so the boy asked one more time if there might be anything cheaper still. "Well," says the cashier. "For $5 I can give you a can of red paint, a paintbrush, and a broomstick."

"Well, that sounds good, but what kind of costume is it?" the boy inquires.

"You can brush the paint on your head, put the broomstick in your mouth, and go as a candy apple."

From Nickelodeon Magazine.