Jokes of the Week #96: Jokes We Won't Get to Hear

Did you hear the joke about the submarine?

Oh well, it takes too long to sink in.

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Did you hear the joke about the Rubik's Cube?

Oh well, it's too hard to figure out.

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Did you hear the joke about the Abominable Snowman?

Oh well, it only leaves people cold.

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Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened pencil?

Oh well, it's kind of pointless.

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Did you hear the joke about the farmer who gave the pig a bath?

Oh well, it's just a lot of hogwash.

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Did you hear the joke about the vitamin pill the size of the Empire State Building?

Oh well, it's too hard to swallow.

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Did you hear the joke about the unsharpened knife?

Oh well, it's kind of dull.

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Did you hear the joke about the giant skunk?

Oh well, it would only raise a big stink.

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Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?

Oh well, I don't want to spread it around.

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Did you hear the joke about the underground labyrinth?

Oh well, it's a little too deep.

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Did you hear the joke about the campfire?

Oh well, it fizzles out near the end.

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Did you hear the joke about the Invisible Man?

Oh well, people always see right through it.

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Did you hear the joke about the kiddie pool?

Oh well, it's kind of shallow.

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Did you hear the joke about the tea with no cream or sugar?

Oh well, it's kind of weak.

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Did you hear the joke about the lazy tenant?

Oh well, it's only an idle roomer.

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Did you hear the joke about the pyramids?

Oh well, it's old stuff.

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Did you hear the joke about the storm?

Oh well, I don't want to make heavy weather over it.

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Did you hear the joke about the burned-out light bulb?

Oh well, it's kind of dim.

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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bookstore:Looney Limericks by Frank Jacobs

Ooh...bummer for that guy!

 

 

A collection of humorous limericks(including a few by the limerick king himself, Edward Lear) starring such unforgettable folks as the young man from Bengal who goes to a fancy dress ball garbed as a hamburger bun(with an outcome he didn't forsee...), the old man of Blackheath who accidentally sits on his false teeth(YEOWCH!), the knowing young raccoon who doesn't believe in the moon, the young woman of Niger who takes a ride on the back of a tiger(This won't end well...), the skunk from the dell who dislikes people because of their smell(Wow, how hypocritical is that?), the spotted hyena who takes an aardvark named Lena to the dance, the barber from Bahavia who has his hands full when a large brown bear comes into his shop, and the snail and the tortoise who brag to each other about how fast they are. If you like wacky limericks, this is the book for you!

 

 

Here are a couple of my faves:

 

 



 

As the ever quotable Snoopy once said, "Wouldn't that just unplug your heating pad?"

 

Hmm, he spoils those horses...and doesn't spoil himself enough! :-D

 

 

Buy it on Amazon!

 

 

 

Jokes of the Week #33:Joke-Pourri*

*Which, to clarify, means jokes that are about a variety of things, rather than jokes about smelly stuff. :-D

 

 

Mimi: "How did you find the weather when you were on vacation?"

 

Josie: "I stepped outside, and there it was!"

 

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What do you have if a dog and a bird get into a stereo?

 

A woofer and a tweeter.

 

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Mom: "Molly, why don't you play Scrabble with Nona any more?"

 

Molly: "Would you like to play with someone who lies and cheats and sneaks extra letters from the box when you aren't looking?"

 

Mom: "Well, no."

 

Molly: "Well, neither would she."

 

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Jake: "I just found a horseshoe-that means good luck!"

 

Lizzy: "Maybe so, but somewhere in this world, some poor horse is walking around in stocking feet!"

 

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Why is it hard to keep a secret in a garden?

 

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans talk!

 

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Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to be a rocket scientist? He put a cow on a scale to see how much milk he weighed. (Milky way.)
 

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A flock of geese is flying south for the winter. One of the geese in the back complains, "How come we always have to follow the same leader?"

 

"Oh hush," the goose next to him replies. "He's the one with the map."

 

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Little Billy is wandering through his front yard, looking around the ground for something.

 

"What are you looking for, Billy dear?" his mother asks.

 

"Well, I heard that it rained an inch and three quarters last night," he replies. "And I could sure use the 75 cents!"

 

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Joe: "Look at that bunch of cows!"

 

Nate: "Not bunch, herd."

 

Joe: "Heard what?"

 

Nate: "Herd of cows."

 

Joe: "Of course I've heard of cows!"

 

Nate: "No, I mean a cow herd."

 

Joe: "Well, I don't see what difference that makes, I don't have any secrets to keep from any cows."

 

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Why are baseballs small, round, and white?

 

Because if they were huge, blue, and heavy, they'd be whales.

 

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What do you get when you cross an alligator with a porcupine?

 

Something you don't want to sit next to on a bus.

 

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Sam: "Will you remember me tomorrow?"

 

Wendy: "Yes."

 

Sam: "Will you remember me two days from now?"

 

Wendy: "Yes."

 

Sam: "Will you remember me three days from now?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Sam: "Will you remember me a week from now?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Sam: "Knock knock."

Wendy: "Who's there?"

Sam: "See? You've forgotten me already!"
 

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Ali Baba walks up to the door of the cave and calls, "Open Sesame!"

A voice calls back, "Says who?"

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A family going on vacation visits a farm. They have an enjoyable time there; the only thing that bothers them is the noise the pigs make. The following year, they're making plans to go back to the farm, so the father writes a letter to the farmer, asking if the pigs are still there. The next day, he receives a letter back, "Don't worry, sir, there haven't been any pigs at this farm since you were here."

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Josh walks into a talent office. "I'd like to audition for the talent competition this week, please." he says to the talent agent.

"All right," the agent replies. "What will your act be?"

"I do impersonations." Josh replies.

"All right, let's see one."

"I love you-OUCH! I love you-EECH! I love you-OOH! I love you-YIPE!"

A puzzled look crosses the agent's face. "What was that?"

"Two porcupines hugging."

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Sally sees Danny walking by, carrying a skunk. "Say, where are you taking that skunk?" she inquires.

"Oh, he's my new pet," Danny replies. "He lives in a little kennel in my bedroom, and sleeps at the foot of my bed every night."

"But what about that smell?"

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, same as I did."

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Voice on radio: "All right, is everybody ready for your morning exercises? Good! Now, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. Okay, now the other eyelid!"

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The football coach is in the locker room discussing plays with the team. "All right, Morris," he says. "For the next play, I want you to rush out there and tackle 'em!"

"Okay." Morris agrees. The team trudges out onto the field; seconds later, the coach hears raucous laughter coming from the field. Curious, he traipses outside, and observes the opposing team doubled over with laughter.

"What just happened?" the coach inquires. "I thought you were going to tackle the other team."

"Oh, tackle!" Morris replies. "I thought you said tickle."

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What do you do if a rhino charges you?

Pay him.

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Harold walks into an ice cream shop and orders a milkshake. After it arrives, he has to leave to make a phone call, but he's concerned that someone might take his drink while he's gone. As a preventative measure, he writes, "Property of the world's strongest body builder", and places it on top of the glass.
After he returns from making the call, he discovers that the glass is empty, with a new napkin on top of it, reading, "Thanks for the treat! Signed, the world's fastest track runner."

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Nate: "How do you do?"

Joe: "How do I do what?"

Nate: "I mean, how do you find yourself?"

Joe: "Don't be silly, I never lose myself!"

Nate: "No, I mean how do you feel?"

Joe: "With my hands, of course! Honestly, don't you have anything better to do than ask me these ridiculous questions?"

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Dora: "How was that hotel you stayed in as a hole, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "As a hole it was great, but as a hotel it was terrible!"

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.