Jokes of the Week #56: Duh...More Not Smartness!

Sally: "Say, won't you get hot wearing so much to paint your house?"

Goofy Gus: "Don't worry, it said on the can to put on three coats."

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Why did the doofus take his typewriter back to the shop?

Because the zero was upside down!

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Mac: "Heh, what a dweeb that guy is. He thinks a football coach's got four wheels!"

Roger: "Yeah, heh heh, isn't that something? Oh, by the way, how many wheels does it have?"

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Lisa: "May I borrow some of your CDs, please?"

Zoe: "Well sure, but they're so scratched up, I don't think they'll play right any more."

Lisa: "Oh, don't worry about that, I sandpapered them down the last time I borrowed them, so they shouldn't have that problem any more."

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How do you tell a stupid pirate?

He's the one with a patch over both eyes!

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How did the team of doofuses keep losing the tug-of-war?

They pushed.

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Dopey Dan: "I've got a problem."

Perry: "What's that?"

Dopey Dan: "Well, my mother sent me to the store to buy some mouse velvet, but she forgot to give me the mouse to match it with."

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When do doofuses go to the movies in groups of 17 or more?

When the sign outside the theater says, "Under 18 not admitted."

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Why did the doofus call the 7-11?

To see when they were closed.

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Did you hear about the dopey hitchhiker?

He got up early in the morning so their wouldn't be much traffic around.

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Why did the doofus buy dogwood seeds at the garden center?

She was hoping to grow a litter of puppies!

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Did you hear about the doofus who got a camera for his birthday?

He just got his first roll of film back-24 pictures of his right eye.

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Rosie: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your party this afternoon. My husband and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet."

Wendy: "That's okay, you can bring them along, too, if you like."

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Did you hear about the doofus who wrote a letter to himself?

He forgot to sign it, so he doesn't know who sent it to him.

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Dad: "Now, you kids know better than to use that kind of language!"

Sam and Suzy: "But Dad, Shakespeare uses those words."

Dad: "Well, I don't want you kids playing with him any more!"

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June: "Say, is that a new car?"

Nate: "Well, certainly."

June: "But, didn't you just buy one last week?"

Nate: "Well yes, but I went into the used car dealership to use their phone, and I didn't want to leave without buying something."

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What happened when the doofus got a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him.

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Did you hear about the dopey shoplifter?

He threw his back out trying to lift the corner store.

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Did you hear about the other dopey shoplifter?

He stole a free sample.

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Ray: "Oh say, may I ask what time it is, please?"

Frankie: "It's 10:28."

Ray: "Ohh, wouldn't you know it?! I've been asking people for the time all day, and each time they tell me something different!"

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Customer: "I cleaned my computer, and now it doesn't work."

Repairman: "What did you clean it with?"

Customer: "Soap and water."

Repairman: "Soap and water? That's the problem! You're never supposed to get a computer wet."

Customer: "Oh, I'm sure the water probably wasn't the problem. It must have been when I put it in the dryer."

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Why did the doofus spend two hours in the department store?

He was looking for a backwards baseball cap.

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How does a doofus get the most out of his money?

By sitting at the back of the bus to get a longer ride.

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Heather: "Clyde, do you know what the weather's like?"

Clyde: "I'm not sure, it's to foggy to tell."

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Did you hear about the stupid glass blower?

He inhaled and got a pane in his belly.

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What's at the top of a stupid window cleaner's ladder?

A stop sign.

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Valerie wanted to get her sister Goofy Gladys something special for her birthday, so she gets her a cell phone. She patiently shows Gladys how the phone works, and all of its features, and she loves it. A couple of days later, Gladys goes to the nail salon and recieves a call from Val.

"Hi, Gladys."

"Hi, Val."

"Say, how do you like your new phone?"

"Oh, it's just wonderful! Its reception is great, and your voice is clear as a bell, but I do have one question."

"Yes?"

"How did you know I was at the nail salon?"

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Why do doofuses have transparent lunch boxes?

So that they can tell whether they're going to work or coming back from work.

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Book Review:The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me by Roald Dahl

Here's a review of one of the late, great Roald Dahl's lesser-known books.

The story is told from the POV of a little boy named Billy, who, while passing by an old, abandoned building labeled, "The Grubber"(old British slang for a candy store)...

 No, not one of those!

...finds that it's been bought by the "Ladderless Window-Cleaning Company", which is comprised of a trio of (very cute!) talking(and singing!) animals:

A giraffe with an extending neck, who serves as the ladder, a pelican(occasionally called "The Pelly") with a retractable upper beak, who seves as the bucket, and a dancing monkey who washes the windows. (On an interesting note, BTW, the words Giraffe, Pelican, and Monkey are always capitalized in the book, as if they're the animals' proper names.) Billy becomes fast friends with these critters; they soon get a call from the Duke of Hampshire who needs all 677 of his mansion's window's washed.

They regrettably don't hit it off with the Duke right away, but they fortunately are eventually able to get on his good side, and end up befriending him, too.

My thoughts:This is definetly Roald Dahl's cutest, most lighthearted book, bereft of the magic, dark overtones, and occasional Downer Endings (George's Marvelous Medicine, anyone?) that are usually present in his books. The animals are cute, lovable, and appealing; they, Billy(and even the Duke!) are good, interesting characters with plenty of personality. An underappreciated book which is more than worth a read.(There's even a reference to Willy Wonka!)

Buy it on Amazon!