Jokes of the Week #69: We STILL Don't Need No Education

English Teacher: "Marvin, I'd like for you to give me a sentence beginning with "I."

Marvin: "'I is...'"

English Teacher: "No Marvin, you must always say, 'I am.'"

Marvin: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'"

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History Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me what Camelot was?"

Lizzy: "A place to park camels."

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Did you hear about the three math teachers who went out for pizza but were divided over whether or not to add extra cheese?

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Sammy: "Say Mom, I just learned five new letters in scholl today!"

Mom: "Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you! What were the letters?"

Sammy: "F-L-U-N-K."

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Teacher: "If I bought 100 doughnuts for one dollar, what would each one be?"

Nona: "Stale."

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Teacher: "Did you know that the bell just went, Mikey?"

Mikey: "Well, I don't know where it went to, but I sure didn't take it."

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Mom: "Did you get a good place in the geography test, Jeffrey Dear?"

Jeffrey: Yes, I sat next to the smartest kid in the class."

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When Edith's mother came home, she was surprised to see her daughter sitting on a giraffe's back, writing something. "Sweetie, what are you doing up there?" she inquired.

"Well you see," Edith replied. "The teacher wanted us to write an essay on our favorite animal."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is?"

Jane: "Lassie!"

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Walter's Father: "I want to take my son out of this terrible math class!"

Principal: "But sir, he's at the top of the class."

Walter's Father: "Yes, and that's how I know that this must be a terrible class."

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Why can you always believe everything bearded teachers tell you?

Because they can't tell bald-faced lies.

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Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying off of Gertie's paper, Laura."

Laura: "I hope you didn't either."

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Teacher: "Now Dora, if you had two pieces of chocolate and your sister had five, and you asked her for one, how many pieces of chocolate would you have?"

Dora: "Two."

Teacher: "You don't know math."

Dora: You don't know my sister."

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Teacher: "I wish that everyone would pay a little attention."

Ryan: "We're all paying as little attention as we can, ma'am."

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Science Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me whether heat or cold travels faster?"

Frankie: "Heat, because people can catch colds."

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Teacher: "Why didn't you stand at the end of the line like I asked you to, Flo?"

Flo: "I tried, but there was someone already there."

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The art teacher happens up to Harold, who's standing in front of a blank sheet of paper.

Art Teacher: "What's this a picture of, Harold Dear?"

Harold: "A cow eating grass."

Art Teacher: "But where's the grass?"

Harold: "The cow ate it."

Art Teacher: "Where's the cow?"

Harold: "Well, he's not going to hang around without any grass left to eat."

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Teacher: "Why haven't you been coming to school for the past few weeks, Dale?"

Dale: "It's not my fault, Miss Greyson, whenever I try to cross the street there's a guy standing there with a sign saying, 'STOP CHILDREN CROSSING.'"

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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just leave the room dark and show a film strip.

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Jessie: "I thought you knew the answer to that question, Brad. Why didn't you tell the teacher?"

Brad: "Oh, but I did, I shook my head."

Jessie: "Well, you wouldn't expect her to hear it rattling from here, would you?"

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The art teacher assigned each member of her class to paint a self portrait. When Ashley handed hers in, the teacher took one look and said, "But Ashley, this isn't a picture of you."

"Yes," Ashley replied. "It's a self portrait of someone else."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me the name of a bird that doesn't build its own nest?"

Paul: "The cuckoo."

Teacher: "That's absolutely right, Paul! How did you know that?"

Paul: "Easy, Miss Warren, everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks."

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Teacher: "Are you good at arithmetic, Davis?"

Davis: "Well, yes and no."

Teacher: "How do you mean, 'Yes and no?'"

Davis: "Yes, I'm no good at arithmetic."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me which family the octopus belongs to?"

Marcia: "No one's I know."

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Dad: "This is the worst report card ever. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Carl: "Look on the bright side, Dad. At least you can be sure that I'm not cheating."

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Lois got up in front of her class and read her book report aloud. After she was finished, her teacher said, "That was very good, Lois; I especially appreciate you not giving away the ending."

"Well," Lois replied. "I thought that if they'd wanted to know the ending, they'd do what I did and rent the DVD."

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Arthur: "Mom, I can't go back to that school. The teachers keep getting on my case and the kids won't stop teasing me. Why should I go back?"

Arthur's Mom: "First of all, you're 45 years old, and second, you're the principal!"

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Jokes of the Week #59: Animal Crack-Ups 2: It's a Zoo in Here

Marvin: "This morning I woke up and was surprised to find the dog licking my face."

Sandy: "Why were you surprised?"

Marvin: "We don't have a dog."

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What do you call a crazy flea?

A looney tick!

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Tania: "Say, did you know that it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"

Walter: "Gee, I didn't even know they could knit!"

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken name their baby?

Egg.

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A herd of buffalo is travelling across the plain, when a cowboy rides up alongside them. "You're the ugliest buffalo I've ever seen," he says. "Look at you, your fur is all tangled and matted, you're dirty and smelly, and you're slobbering all over the place."

After the cowboy leaves, one of the buffalo at the back of the herd turns to the buffalo next to him and says, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."

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Why was the little whale sent to the principal's office?

For spouting off at the teacher.

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What do you get when you cross a small deer with a ghost?

Bamboo.

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Jumbo the circus elephant was known for being big-hearted. The other day, he was walking in the parade, when he accidentally stepped on a bird. Knowing that the bird probably had a nest somewhere with a baby in it, he sat on the bird to keep it warm.

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Junior: "Daddy, Daddy, there's a Dalmatian in the house."

Dad: "Don't worry about that, son, I hear that Dalmatians are supposed to be lucky."

Junior: "This one sure is. He ate your dinner!"

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What do you get when you cross a pig with an iguana?

A porky spine.

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Morris(At the zoo): "You know, I wonder what that prairie dog would say if he could talk."

Wendy: "He'd probably say, 'Pardon me, but I'm a ferret.'"

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Simon: "I finally found the rattle in my car."

Rhonda: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that."

Simon: "I'm not-it was attatched to a snake!"

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What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a shark and a T. Rex?

I don't know, but I sure wouldn't get in the pool with it!

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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

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How is the letter "A" like a flower bed?

Because they both have bees coming after them.

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What's a cat's favorite musical?

The Sound of Mew-sic.

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What do rodents use for bad breath?

Mousewash.

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Gloria: "Mr. Franklin worked as a dogcatcher for 20 years, but now he's been fired."

Myles: "Why? What happened?"

Gloria: "The dogs started catching him."

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What's a sheep's favorite movie?

Ewe Got Mail.

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Why do fish swim in saltwater?

Pepper makes them sneeze.

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As Mona is leaving her house one morning, she sees her neighbor Mrs. Greyson walking through her front door, holding a pet carrier. Mona walks up to her. "Hi, Mrs. Greyson. What'cha got in that carrier?"

"It's a cat." Mrs. Greyson replies. "You see, for the last few nights, I've been dreaming about rats, and I've been really scared! The cat will catch them, hopefully."

A perplexed look crosses Mona's face. "But...the rats aren't real."

"Don't worry, dear, the cat isn't either."

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Little Skunk: "But Mom, why can't I have a chemistry set for my birthday?"

Mama Skunk: "I'm afraid that it would stink up the house."

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There's a knock at the door, and when Lucy answers it, she sees a snail sitting on her doorstep. Lucy then immediately picks up the snail, runs to the end of her driveway, and throws it as hard as she can.

Two years pass, and Lucy hears another knock at her door as she's sitting in her living room. She answers the door, and finds the same snail there. "What was that all about?" the snail asks.

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Fido: "There's a dog on the next block with really long ears, and every time he walks up the stairs, he steps on them."

Fifi: "He steps on his ears?"

Fido: "No, he steps on the stairs."

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When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?

When you're a mouse.

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I stayed in a small village in the country last summer; my landlady kept animals. On the first day one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day one of her pigs died, so we had honeybaked ham.

On the third day one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops.

On the fourth day her husband died, so I left before dinner.

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What has 100 feet and 98 shoes?

A centipede trying on a new pair of sneakers.

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Why are elephants prone to holding grudges?

They can forgive, but they can't forget.

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And why are giraffes prone to holding grudges?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

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Cowboy Tom and Cowboy Fred shared a field for their two horses. In order to be able to tell them apart, Tom tied a red ribbon around his horse's tail; one day, when they went out to the field, Tom noticed that the ribbon had fallen off.

"Now how will we tell our horses apart?" a concerned Tom exclaims.

Fred thinks about it for about a minute. "I know! How about if you take the black one and I take the white one?"

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What did Tarzan say when he saw an enormous pink elephant wearing dark glasses walking by?

Nothing. He didn't recognize it.

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Mrs. Morgan was having a difficult time teaching her parrot to talk. She tried everything: repeating certain phrases to him several times, reading to him, and having conversations within his earshot, but nothing ever worked. Then one day, after she had fed the bird his dinner, the parrot said, "Can I have a little more birdseed, please?"

Mrs. Morgan was shocked. "You can talk? But, how come you never said anything before?"

"Well, everything's been fine until now."

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Why did the sheep like the buffet restaurant?

Because the sign said, "All Ewe Can Eat."

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Book Review:The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me by Roald Dahl

Here's a review of one of the late, great Roald Dahl's lesser-known books.

The story is told from the POV of a little boy named Billy, who, while passing by an old, abandoned building labeled, "The Grubber"(old British slang for a candy store)...

 No, not one of those!

...finds that it's been bought by the "Ladderless Window-Cleaning Company", which is comprised of a trio of (very cute!) talking(and singing!) animals:

A giraffe with an extending neck, who serves as the ladder, a pelican(occasionally called "The Pelly") with a retractable upper beak, who seves as the bucket, and a dancing monkey who washes the windows. (On an interesting note, BTW, the words Giraffe, Pelican, and Monkey are always capitalized in the book, as if they're the animals' proper names.) Billy becomes fast friends with these critters; they soon get a call from the Duke of Hampshire who needs all 677 of his mansion's window's washed.

They regrettably don't hit it off with the Duke right away, but they fortunately are eventually able to get on his good side, and end up befriending him, too.

My thoughts:This is definetly Roald Dahl's cutest, most lighthearted book, bereft of the magic, dark overtones, and occasional Downer Endings (George's Marvelous Medicine, anyone?) that are usually present in his books. The animals are cute, lovable, and appealing; they, Billy(and even the Duke!) are good, interesting characters with plenty of personality. An underappreciated book which is more than worth a read.(There's even a reference to Willy Wonka!)

Buy it on Amazon!