Jokes of the Week #69: We STILL Don't Need No Education

English Teacher: "Marvin, I'd like for you to give me a sentence beginning with "I."

Marvin: "'I is...'"

English Teacher: "No Marvin, you must always say, 'I am.'"

Marvin: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'"

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History Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me what Camelot was?"

Lizzy: "A place to park camels."

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Did you hear about the three math teachers who went out for pizza but were divided over whether or not to add extra cheese?

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Sammy: "Say Mom, I just learned five new letters in scholl today!"

Mom: "Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you! What were the letters?"

Sammy: "F-L-U-N-K."

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Teacher: "If I bought 100 doughnuts for one dollar, what would each one be?"

Nona: "Stale."

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Teacher: "Did you know that the bell just went, Mikey?"

Mikey: "Well, I don't know where it went to, but I sure didn't take it."

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Mom: "Did you get a good place in the geography test, Jeffrey Dear?"

Jeffrey: Yes, I sat next to the smartest kid in the class."

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When Edith's mother came home, she was surprised to see her daughter sitting on a giraffe's back, writing something. "Sweetie, what are you doing up there?" she inquired.

"Well you see," Edith replied. "The teacher wanted us to write an essay on our favorite animal."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is?"

Jane: "Lassie!"

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Walter's Father: "I want to take my son out of this terrible math class!"

Principal: "But sir, he's at the top of the class."

Walter's Father: "Yes, and that's how I know that this must be a terrible class."

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Why can you always believe everything bearded teachers tell you?

Because they can't tell bald-faced lies.

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Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying off of Gertie's paper, Laura."

Laura: "I hope you didn't either."

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Teacher: "Now Dora, if you had two pieces of chocolate and your sister had five, and you asked her for one, how many pieces of chocolate would you have?"

Dora: "Two."

Teacher: "You don't know math."

Dora: You don't know my sister."

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Teacher: "I wish that everyone would pay a little attention."

Ryan: "We're all paying as little attention as we can, ma'am."

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Science Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me whether heat or cold travels faster?"

Frankie: "Heat, because people can catch colds."

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Teacher: "Why didn't you stand at the end of the line like I asked you to, Flo?"

Flo: "I tried, but there was someone already there."

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The art teacher happens up to Harold, who's standing in front of a blank sheet of paper.

Art Teacher: "What's this a picture of, Harold Dear?"

Harold: "A cow eating grass."

Art Teacher: "But where's the grass?"

Harold: "The cow ate it."

Art Teacher: "Where's the cow?"

Harold: "Well, he's not going to hang around without any grass left to eat."

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Teacher: "Why haven't you been coming to school for the past few weeks, Dale?"

Dale: "It's not my fault, Miss Greyson, whenever I try to cross the street there's a guy standing there with a sign saying, 'STOP CHILDREN CROSSING.'"

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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just leave the room dark and show a film strip.

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Jessie: "I thought you knew the answer to that question, Brad. Why didn't you tell the teacher?"

Brad: "Oh, but I did, I shook my head."

Jessie: "Well, you wouldn't expect her to hear it rattling from here, would you?"

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The art teacher assigned each member of her class to paint a self portrait. When Ashley handed hers in, the teacher took one look and said, "But Ashley, this isn't a picture of you."

"Yes," Ashley replied. "It's a self portrait of someone else."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me the name of a bird that doesn't build its own nest?"

Paul: "The cuckoo."

Teacher: "That's absolutely right, Paul! How did you know that?"

Paul: "Easy, Miss Warren, everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks."

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Teacher: "Are you good at arithmetic, Davis?"

Davis: "Well, yes and no."

Teacher: "How do you mean, 'Yes and no?'"

Davis: "Yes, I'm no good at arithmetic."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me which family the octopus belongs to?"

Marcia: "No one's I know."

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Dad: "This is the worst report card ever. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Carl: "Look on the bright side, Dad. At least you can be sure that I'm not cheating."

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Lois got up in front of her class and read her book report aloud. After she was finished, her teacher said, "That was very good, Lois; I especially appreciate you not giving away the ending."

"Well," Lois replied. "I thought that if they'd wanted to know the ending, they'd do what I did and rent the DVD."

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Arthur: "Mom, I can't go back to that school. The teachers keep getting on my case and the kids won't stop teasing me. Why should I go back?"

Arthur's Mom: "First of all, you're 45 years old, and second, you're the principal!"

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Jokes of the Week #8:We Don't Need No Education

Teacher:"Timmy, do you ever skip school?"

Timmy:"No."

Teacher:"Do you ever cheat on tests?"

Timmy:"No."

Teacher:"Do you ever play practical jokes?"

Timmy:"No."

Teacher:"Well, surely you must do something wrong sometimes!"

Timmy:"I tell lies."

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Teacher:"Myles, can you show us where North America is on the map, please?"

Myles:"Here it is."

Teacher:"Thank you. Now, class, Can you tell me who discovered North America?"

Class:"Myles!"

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Mom:"How was scool today, Billy?"

Billy:"Oh, some lady didn't know how to spell "cat", so I just told her."

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Teacher:"May I see your homework assignment, please, Molly?"

Molly:"I'm sorry, I can't. It blew away while I was walking to school."

Teacher:"Oh, really? And why were you late for school?"

Molly:"I had to wait for a strong wind."

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Teacher:"On Monday you told me your homework blew away. On Tuesday you said it fell in a mud puddle. On Wednesday you said it landed in the middle of the street and a street sweeper picked it up. On Thursday you said it fell into a wood chipper. Then I asked you to bring your parents to school today, so, where are they?"

Molly:"Uhm...uhh...my...dog ate them?"

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Teacher:"Sammy, do you remember what a tree's outside is called?"

Sammy:"Uhm, I forget."

Teacher:"Bark, Sammy, bark!"

Sammy:"Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!"

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Teacher:"Can anyone tell me why bears sleep for six months?"

Hayley:"Who'd be brave enough to wake them?"

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Teacher:"Donna, can you spell 'wrong' for me?"

Donna:"R-O-N-G."

Teacher:"That's wrong!"

Donna:"But, wasn't that what you wanted?"

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Jessie has been sent to the principal's office.

Principal:"Did you call your teacher a big meanie?"

Jessie:"Yes."

Principal:"And did you call her a wicked old witch?"

Jessie:"Yes."

Principal:"And did you call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?"

Jessie:"No, but I'll remember that for next time!"

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Teacher:"If you had 10 apples in one hand and 15 apples in the other hand, what would you have?"

Mimi:"Very big hands."

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Teacher:"Which is farther away, the moon or New York City?"

Bailey:"New York City."

Teacher:"Why do you think so?"

Bailey:"Because I can see the moon, but I can't see New York City."*

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Teacher:"Your father's hair would turn grey if he saw the way you've been acting in class today!"

Carl:"Actually, it probably wouldn't bother him that much-he's bald."

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Teacher:"Can anyone tell me who wrote Tom Sawyer?"

Henry:"Gosh...I didn't know they had post offices in those days, but it was probably either Huck or Becky."

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Teacher:"Can anyone tell me what the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were?"

Ashley:"I'm not sure, I just don't know that much about salsa music."

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A third grade class walks into school one day and are surprised to see that their new teacher is a horse. He was a big horse, but he had a high-pitched, squeaky voice which the kids found hilarious. The kids would crack up everytime he opened his mouth, and he always found himself yelling and screaming for order, but never getting anywhere. One day, the horse lost his voice, so he brought a little pony into class with him. The pony was small, but he had a voice like a foghorn. He hollered, "YOU KIDS BETTER BEHAVE OR ELSE!!!" which restored order immediately. It just goes to show:Whenever you need to keep order, sometimes you have to shout until you get a little horse.

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Erin has been called over to the principal's office.

"I'm sorry," the principal says. "But I just discovered that you cheated on the test you took yesterday, so I'm going to have to change your A+ to an F-. Do you have anything to say?"

"Yes," says Erin. "This is very degrading."

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The teacher gives her class an assignment,"I'd like you all to write a three-page essay on what you'd do if you had a million dollars."

The kids then all start writing dilligently, except Little Joey, who just sits with his feet propped up on his desk the whole time. Finally, when the class is finished with the assignment, they all turn their finished essays in, except Joey, who turns in three blank pieces of paper.

"Joey," the teacher says. "The whole class has worked hard on their essays, while you've done absolutely nothing this whole time. Why is this?"

"Well, you see, ma'am," Joey says. "That's what I'd do if I had a million dollars."

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Teacher:"Where's your pencil, Freida?"

Freida:"I ain't got one."

Teacher:"No, no, Freida, where is your grammar?"

Freida:"She's at home and she ain't got my pencil neither."

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Teacher:"And where is your pencil, Benny?"

Benny:"I ain't got one neither."

Teacher:"How many times must I tell you, Benny? "I don't have one." "You don't have one." "He doesn't have one." "She doesn't have one." "They don't have one." "We don't have one." Do you understand?"

Benny:"Not really. Where did all the pencils go?"

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Pete:"A dog ate my homework."

Teacher:"You don't have a dog."

Pete:"It was a stray."

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(It's like they say, though, if you get caught between the moon and New York City, best that you can do is fall in love.

:-D)