Joke of the Week Extra: The Riddle Seller Always Rings Twice

1. If two's company and three's a crowd, then what are four and five?

2. What can be heard, but not seen, and only speaks when it's spoken to?

3. Which side of a pie is the left side?

4. What are two things that a person can't have for breakfast?

5. What did Paul Revere say at the end of his famous ride?

6. Why might a lion go over a hill?

7. What is there more of the less you see?

8. How could someone eat a banana without peeling it?

 

9. All of them are long, sharp, and steely. The ones with eyes don't have heads, and the ones with heads don't have eyes. What might they be?

 

10. What weighs more, a ton of cotton or a ton of rocks?

 

11. Which is preferable, "The house burned up", or "The house burned down"?

 

12. What's taken before you get it?

 

13. What weighs nothing, but is hard to hold for a very long time?

 

14. What gets larger the more you take from it?

 

15. What question can never be answered, "Yes"?

 

16. If you're walking through the woods and see a jar of honey sitting on a tree stump, where might the honey have come from?

 

 

 





17. Which number is worth more when it's turned upside down?

18. When do elephants have 20 legs?

19. What was the tallest mountain before Mt. Everest was discovered?

20. What flies all day, but never gets anywhere?

21. Four guys are walking down the street, when suddenly, it starts to rain. Only three of them got their hair wet. How is this possible?

22. Which burns longer, an orange candle or a purple candle?

23. When Christopher Columbus first discovered America, what did he see on his right hand?

24. What gets wetter the more it dries?

25. What begins with P, ends with E, and has millions of letters?

(Answers below!)

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1. Nine.

 

2. An echo.

 

3. The side that didn't get eaten.

 

4. Lunch and dinner.

 

5. "Whoa!"

 

6. Because he can't go under it.

 

7. Darkness.

 

8. If they have someone peel it for them.

 

9. Needles and pins.

 

10. Both weigh the same.

 

11. Either's pretty bad.

 

12. Your picture.

 

13. Your breath.

 

14. A hole.

 

15. "Are you asleep?"

 

16. From a bee.

 

17. 6 becomes 9.

 

18. When there are 5 of them.

 

19. Mt. Everest.

 

20. A flag.

 

21. One of them was bald.

 

22. Neither. All candles burn shorter.

 

23. Five fingers.

 

24. A towel.

 

25. Post office.

 

From Nickelodeon Magazine.



Jokes of the Week #8:We Don't Need No Education

Teacher:"Timmy, do you ever skip school?"

Timmy:"No."

Teacher:"Do you ever cheat on tests?"

Timmy:"No."

Teacher:"Do you ever play practical jokes?"

Timmy:"No."

Teacher:"Well, surely you must do something wrong sometimes!"

Timmy:"I tell lies."

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Teacher:"Myles, can you show us where North America is on the map, please?"

Myles:"Here it is."

Teacher:"Thank you. Now, class, Can you tell me who discovered North America?"

Class:"Myles!"

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Mom:"How was scool today, Billy?"

Billy:"Oh, some lady didn't know how to spell "cat", so I just told her."

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Teacher:"May I see your homework assignment, please, Molly?"

Molly:"I'm sorry, I can't. It blew away while I was walking to school."

Teacher:"Oh, really? And why were you late for school?"

Molly:"I had to wait for a strong wind."

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Teacher:"On Monday you told me your homework blew away. On Tuesday you said it fell in a mud puddle. On Wednesday you said it landed in the middle of the street and a street sweeper picked it up. On Thursday you said it fell into a wood chipper. Then I asked you to bring your parents to school today, so, where are they?"

Molly:"Uhm...uhh...my...dog ate them?"

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Teacher:"Sammy, do you remember what a tree's outside is called?"

Sammy:"Uhm, I forget."

Teacher:"Bark, Sammy, bark!"

Sammy:"Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!"

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Teacher:"Can anyone tell me why bears sleep for six months?"

Hayley:"Who'd be brave enough to wake them?"

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Teacher:"Donna, can you spell 'wrong' for me?"

Donna:"R-O-N-G."

Teacher:"That's wrong!"

Donna:"But, wasn't that what you wanted?"

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Jessie has been sent to the principal's office.

Principal:"Did you call your teacher a big meanie?"

Jessie:"Yes."

Principal:"And did you call her a wicked old witch?"

Jessie:"Yes."

Principal:"And did you call her a tomato-nosed beanbag?"

Jessie:"No, but I'll remember that for next time!"

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Teacher:"If you had 10 apples in one hand and 15 apples in the other hand, what would you have?"

Mimi:"Very big hands."

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Teacher:"Which is farther away, the moon or New York City?"

Bailey:"New York City."

Teacher:"Why do you think so?"

Bailey:"Because I can see the moon, but I can't see New York City."*

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Teacher:"Your father's hair would turn grey if he saw the way you've been acting in class today!"

Carl:"Actually, it probably wouldn't bother him that much-he's bald."

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Teacher:"Can anyone tell me who wrote Tom Sawyer?"

Henry:"Gosh...I didn't know they had post offices in those days, but it was probably either Huck or Becky."

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Teacher:"Can anyone tell me what the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were?"

Ashley:"I'm not sure, I just don't know that much about salsa music."

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A third grade class walks into school one day and are surprised to see that their new teacher is a horse. He was a big horse, but he had a high-pitched, squeaky voice which the kids found hilarious. The kids would crack up everytime he opened his mouth, and he always found himself yelling and screaming for order, but never getting anywhere. One day, the horse lost his voice, so he brought a little pony into class with him. The pony was small, but he had a voice like a foghorn. He hollered, "YOU KIDS BETTER BEHAVE OR ELSE!!!" which restored order immediately. It just goes to show:Whenever you need to keep order, sometimes you have to shout until you get a little horse.

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Erin has been called over to the principal's office.

"I'm sorry," the principal says. "But I just discovered that you cheated on the test you took yesterday, so I'm going to have to change your A+ to an F-. Do you have anything to say?"

"Yes," says Erin. "This is very degrading."

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The teacher gives her class an assignment,"I'd like you all to write a three-page essay on what you'd do if you had a million dollars."

The kids then all start writing dilligently, except Little Joey, who just sits with his feet propped up on his desk the whole time. Finally, when the class is finished with the assignment, they all turn their finished essays in, except Joey, who turns in three blank pieces of paper.

"Joey," the teacher says. "The whole class has worked hard on their essays, while you've done absolutely nothing this whole time. Why is this?"

"Well, you see, ma'am," Joey says. "That's what I'd do if I had a million dollars."

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Teacher:"Where's your pencil, Freida?"

Freida:"I ain't got one."

Teacher:"No, no, Freida, where is your grammar?"

Freida:"She's at home and she ain't got my pencil neither."

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Teacher:"And where is your pencil, Benny?"

Benny:"I ain't got one neither."

Teacher:"How many times must I tell you, Benny? "I don't have one." "You don't have one." "He doesn't have one." "She doesn't have one." "They don't have one." "We don't have one." Do you understand?"

Benny:"Not really. Where did all the pencils go?"

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Pete:"A dog ate my homework."

Teacher:"You don't have a dog."

Pete:"It was a stray."

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(It's like they say, though, if you get caught between the moon and New York City, best that you can do is fall in love.

:-D)