Joke of the Week #70

Goofy Greg is driving through the country when he sees a shepherd with his flock of sheep going by, He stops the car by the side of the road, walks up to the shepherd and says, "Say, if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one, please?"

The shepherd replies, "Sure."

Greg ruminates for a second or two(Which for him was a record!) and says, "127."

The shepherd replies, "That's incredible! You're absolutely right! Go ahead and pick a sheep."

As Greg is putting his prize in the back of his car, the shepherd says, "Say, if I can guess your IQ level, can I have my dog back?"

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

As the ever-quotable Garfield once said, "Yes...it's the dreaded glasses-on-the-forehead syndrome."

Jokes of the Week #65: The Doctor! Doctor! Always Rings Twice

"Nurse, have you taken the patient's temperature yet?"

"Why, Doctor, is it missing?"

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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's invisible."

"Sorry, but I can't see him."

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Doctor: "Goodness, how did you get such a lump on your head?"

Patient: "Some beans fell on my head."

Doctor: "Beans gave you a lump on your head?"

Patient: "They were canned."

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"What's the best way to prevent disease from biting insects, Doctor?"

"Don't bite any."

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Doctor: "How's the patient in room 15 doing, Nurse?"

Nurse: "Oh, he's such a pest! He cried for three hours yesterday because he lost four teeth."

Doctor: "Well, I don't see what the problem is with that, I assume that most people would be pretty upset about losing four teeth."

Nurse: "Yes, but from his comb?"

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Doctor: "All right, now breathe out three times, please."

Patient: "So you can check my lungs?"

Doctor: "No, so I can clean my glasses."

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Joe: "Call the doctor! Call the doctor! My friend just swallowed a frog!"

Marcia: "Oh dear! Is he very sick?"

Joe: "Sick? He's liable to croak at any minute!"

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Voice on phone: "Hello, is this 444444444444444? Good, could you call 911 and ask for a doctor to come here quickly please? My finger is stuck in the dial!"

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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a louse."

"Will you stop getting in my hair?"

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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's an elevator."

"Well, I'll have a look at him right away. Please send him up."

"That may not be possible, Doctor, he doesn't stop at this floor."

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Doctor: "Well, how's the medicine I perscribed working?"

Patient: "Should be pretty well, Doc. I've been taking three baths a day."

Doctor: "Three baths?"

Patient: "Yeah, just like the instructions on the bottle said."

Doctor: "There must be some mistake."

Patient: "Oh, no mistake, Doc, it said to take a spoonful three times a day in water."

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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a TV antenna."

"Don't worry, ma'am, I'll have him cured right away."

"Oh, I don't want him cured, Doctor, I want him to pick up channel 8."

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"I've been having trouble sleeping, Doctor."

"Well, have you tried counting sheep?"

"Well yes, but it was too dark to see them."

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Patient: "My neck's as stiff as a pipe, my head feels like lead, and my nose is all blocked up."

Doctor: "I can recommend a good plumber."

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Little Billy(On the phone): "Doctor, Doctor, please come quick! Our front door is jammed!"

Doctor: "I believe you need a handyman rather than a doctor, little boy."

Little Billy: "No, I really do need a doctor. Daddy's fingers are stuck in the door!"

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Patient: "Doctor, will you give me something for my head?"

Doctor: "I wouldn't take it as a gift."

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"Doctor, my cousin keeps thinking he's a piece of fudge."

"Well, that's good, it means he's only half nuts."

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Doctor Sally: "Now, what seems to be the matter, dear?"

Naomi: "Wel, you see Doctor, I.....like open-toed shoes."

Doctor Sally: "Well, goodness, there's certainly nothing wrong with liking open-toed shoes! Many people all over the world like them. Honestly, I prefer them myself."

Naomi: "You do? Ohh, that's such a relief! How do you like them, baked or roasted?"

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"Doctor, Doctor, my brother keeps thinking he's a parking meter!"

"Goodness, I'll have to see him right away."

"He can't come in until next Tuesday, That's when the meter maid comes and takes the money out of his mouth."

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"Doctor, I have a problem with talking to myself."

"Don't worry, sir, this is a very benign condition."

"Maybe so, but I'm a terrible bore."

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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a duck."

"I can give you an appointment next month."

"Sorry, but I can't wait that long. I have to fly south for the winter."

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"I've been having this strange dream every night, Doctor. I'm standing in front of this door that has a sign on it; I push with all my might, but I just can't get it open."

"What does the sign say?"

"'Pull.'"

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Frankie: "I used to keep thinking I was a dog, so I went to the psychiatrist."

Marvin: "Did he cure you?"

Frankie: "Sure! Here, feel my nose."

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

*BA-DUM-TSS!* :-D

Jokes of the Week #59: Animal Crack-Ups 2: It's a Zoo in Here

Marvin: "This morning I woke up and was surprised to find the dog licking my face."

Sandy: "Why were you surprised?"

Marvin: "We don't have a dog."

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What do you call a crazy flea?

A looney tick!

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Tania: "Say, did you know that it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"

Walter: "Gee, I didn't even know they could knit!"

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken name their baby?

Egg.

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A herd of buffalo is travelling across the plain, when a cowboy rides up alongside them. "You're the ugliest buffalo I've ever seen," he says. "Look at you, your fur is all tangled and matted, you're dirty and smelly, and you're slobbering all over the place."

After the cowboy leaves, one of the buffalo at the back of the herd turns to the buffalo next to him and says, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."

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Why was the little whale sent to the principal's office?

For spouting off at the teacher.

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What do you get when you cross a small deer with a ghost?

Bamboo.

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Jumbo the circus elephant was known for being big-hearted. The other day, he was walking in the parade, when he accidentally stepped on a bird. Knowing that the bird probably had a nest somewhere with a baby in it, he sat on the bird to keep it warm.

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Junior: "Daddy, Daddy, there's a Dalmatian in the house."

Dad: "Don't worry about that, son, I hear that Dalmatians are supposed to be lucky."

Junior: "This one sure is. He ate your dinner!"

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What do you get when you cross a pig with an iguana?

A porky spine.

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Morris(At the zoo): "You know, I wonder what that prairie dog would say if he could talk."

Wendy: "He'd probably say, 'Pardon me, but I'm a ferret.'"

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Simon: "I finally found the rattle in my car."

Rhonda: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that."

Simon: "I'm not-it was attatched to a snake!"

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What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a shark and a T. Rex?

I don't know, but I sure wouldn't get in the pool with it!

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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

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How is the letter "A" like a flower bed?

Because they both have bees coming after them.

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What's a cat's favorite musical?

The Sound of Mew-sic.

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What do rodents use for bad breath?

Mousewash.

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Gloria: "Mr. Franklin worked as a dogcatcher for 20 years, but now he's been fired."

Myles: "Why? What happened?"

Gloria: "The dogs started catching him."

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What's a sheep's favorite movie?

Ewe Got Mail.

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Why do fish swim in saltwater?

Pepper makes them sneeze.

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As Mona is leaving her house one morning, she sees her neighbor Mrs. Greyson walking through her front door, holding a pet carrier. Mona walks up to her. "Hi, Mrs. Greyson. What'cha got in that carrier?"

"It's a cat." Mrs. Greyson replies. "You see, for the last few nights, I've been dreaming about rats, and I've been really scared! The cat will catch them, hopefully."

A perplexed look crosses Mona's face. "But...the rats aren't real."

"Don't worry, dear, the cat isn't either."

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Little Skunk: "But Mom, why can't I have a chemistry set for my birthday?"

Mama Skunk: "I'm afraid that it would stink up the house."

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There's a knock at the door, and when Lucy answers it, she sees a snail sitting on her doorstep. Lucy then immediately picks up the snail, runs to the end of her driveway, and throws it as hard as she can.

Two years pass, and Lucy hears another knock at her door as she's sitting in her living room. She answers the door, and finds the same snail there. "What was that all about?" the snail asks.

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Fido: "There's a dog on the next block with really long ears, and every time he walks up the stairs, he steps on them."

Fifi: "He steps on his ears?"

Fido: "No, he steps on the stairs."

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When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?

When you're a mouse.

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I stayed in a small village in the country last summer; my landlady kept animals. On the first day one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day one of her pigs died, so we had honeybaked ham.

On the third day one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops.

On the fourth day her husband died, so I left before dinner.

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What has 100 feet and 98 shoes?

A centipede trying on a new pair of sneakers.

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Why are elephants prone to holding grudges?

They can forgive, but they can't forget.

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And why are giraffes prone to holding grudges?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

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Cowboy Tom and Cowboy Fred shared a field for their two horses. In order to be able to tell them apart, Tom tied a red ribbon around his horse's tail; one day, when they went out to the field, Tom noticed that the ribbon had fallen off.

"Now how will we tell our horses apart?" a concerned Tom exclaims.

Fred thinks about it for about a minute. "I know! How about if you take the black one and I take the white one?"

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What did Tarzan say when he saw an enormous pink elephant wearing dark glasses walking by?

Nothing. He didn't recognize it.

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Mrs. Morgan was having a difficult time teaching her parrot to talk. She tried everything: repeating certain phrases to him several times, reading to him, and having conversations within his earshot, but nothing ever worked. Then one day, after she had fed the bird his dinner, the parrot said, "Can I have a little more birdseed, please?"

Mrs. Morgan was shocked. "You can talk? But, how come you never said anything before?"

"Well, everything's been fine until now."

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Why did the sheep like the buffet restaurant?

Because the sign said, "All Ewe Can Eat."

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Christmas Music Showcase:Barnyard Christmas by Spike Jones

A cute and amusing ditty by the legendary novelty singer Spike Jones, complete with many cute and funny visuals. Please enjoy!

If you like farm animals and you like Christmas music, this is the song for you!

Book Review:George's Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl

Something's cookin' in the kitchen!

Here's a review of yet another Roald Dahl classic.

George is a little boy who lives on a farm with his parents, and has a kinda'...sorta'...(VERY!) huge problem:his grandma. You see, she isn't your typical kind of grandma, the sweet, kind, loves-her grandkids-like-crazy, gives-plenty-of-hugs-and-kisses, takes-her-grandkids-out-for-ice-cream-and/or-to-the-zoo kind. No, she's the meanest, nastiest, most hygeine-deficient old lady you'd ever care to meet, and constantly bullies poor little George.(George even wonders if she might be a witch...Honestly, she missed a good bet if she wasn't!)

George is in charge of giving Granny her medicine; he notes to himself that it never seems to her any good, because it never improves her demeanor at all. So, George decides then and there that he'll cook up a medicine that hopefully will change her attitude. He then sets about roaming around the house, gathering up various household items(shaving cream, floor wax, birdseed, hairspray, antifreeze et al.) and mixing them up in a large cooking pot.

When George gives this concoction to Granny, however, it ends up having an effect he hadn't reckoned on...it causes her to grow to a GINORMOUS size!(Unfortunately, however, it doesn't improve upon her mood at all.) :-(

Granny doesn't believe that George's medicine caused this, so George endeavors to prove it to her by feeding the medicine to a nearby chicken, which also not only grows huge, but lays a massive egg.

George's father is very intrigued by this, and asks George to dose several other farm animals(chickens, cows, pigs, sheep et al.) as well. George's father wants to market the medicine...but can George remember the formula? And what about Grandma?


My thoughts:Honestly, this is one of Dahl's funnier books, with animals(as well as Granny!) jittering around, flying into the air, and screaming "OWEE!", and many weird, wacky things happening. (Triple LOL with whipped cream and a strawberry on top!)
:-D :-D :-D

My only beef about this book is:

-Like a few other people that have reviewed this book, I didn't much go for what ended up happening to the grandma.(To embellish upon a quote from this Littlest Pet Shop episode, "The old lady was creepy, but even she didn't deserve that!)

All in all, a good, humorous, well-written book that any Roald Dahl aficionado is sure to enjoy.

Buy it on Amazon!

U.S. Acres:Jim Davis' Lesser-Known Comic Strip

U.S. Acres was a newspaper comic written by Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, in 1986. The strip(which was known as Orson's Farm outside America) followed the wacky hijinks of several kooky farm animals. The cast consisted of the polite, intellectual pig Orson who was the strip's main character, the bossy, loudmouthed rooster Roy, the cowardly but lovable duck Wade, the feisty little chick Booker who would often try(and fail) to catch a worm, his easygoing little brother Sheldon(no relation) who lived inside an egg shell which had similar properties to Snoopy's doghouse, the friendly but not-too-bright sheep Bo(he was more of a surfer dude type in Garfield and Friends), and his grumpy sister Lanolin who would often spar with Roy.

In Garfield and Friends, the group was often antagonized by Orson's three big, nasty brothers Gort, Mort, and Wart(who had appeared in the strip previously, albeit for only the first few weeks). Orson's brothers lived on the farm next door and would often come over to Orson's farm to steal food or cause some sort of trouble.(Which they fortunately were never successful at!) Further antagonists were a weasel, a fox, and a wolf, all of whom had the same goal:to steal chickens. (Honestly, IMHO, it would've made more sense for the wolf to be stealing sheep, but there it is.)

A pair of temporary additions to the cast were Cody the dog and Blue the cat(The latter being of obvious coloration). This may be just IMHO, but it seems that part of the reason for these characters' short-lived career(although they did appear in the various kids' books) seemed to be the fact that they didn't have quite as much personality as the rest of the cast(Cody in particular didn't seem to have any personality at all other than chasing and attacking the other animals). On a related note, for unknown reasons, Cody and Blue also never appeared on Garfield and Friends. (One could possibly call them "The Lymans of U.S. Acres.")

The comic had a small fanbase, though it never became quite as popular as Davis' more famous strip, Garfield, and only ran for three years.(Although the franchise had a much longer lifespan on Garfield and Friends.)

Overall, U.S. Acres was a fun, humorous, and very nifty comic with a good, likeable cast. Despite it never having quite the popularity Garfield did, it's definetly worth a read! (Or, "worth a watch" in the case of Garfield and Friends.)

Here are a couple of my favorite strips below(although, honestly, it was hard to pick just two!):

The entire comic series has been released in book form; the books are available at the links below(some, regrettably, are a little pricey, but well worth it for any U.S. Acres fan):

U.S. Acres Goes Half Hog

U.S. Acres Counts its Chickens

U.S. Acres Rules the Roost

U.S. Acres Runs Amuck

U.S. Acres Hams it Up

Orson's Farm Cuts the Corn

For younger fans, there were also several kids' books made, which are available at the links below*:

Wade Dives In!

Happy Birthday, Sheldon!

The Big Camp-Out

Beware! Rooster at Work!

Wade's Haunted Halloween

Sir Orson to the Rescue!

Let's Play Ball!

Booker Meets the Easter Bunny

*There are also two other books in this series entitled "The Great Christmas Contest" and "A Most Special Easter Egg" which, regrettably aren't currently available on Amazon, but they do occasionally show up on Ebay.

There were also plushies made of the characters, which show up on Ebay from time to time.

Hmm...the animals in the last panel of this comic look...familiar, somehow.