Jokes of the Week #65: The Doctor! Doctor! Always Rings Twice

"Nurse, have you taken the patient's temperature yet?"

"Why, Doctor, is it missing?"

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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's invisible."

"Sorry, but I can't see him."

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Doctor: "Goodness, how did you get such a lump on your head?"

Patient: "Some beans fell on my head."

Doctor: "Beans gave you a lump on your head?"

Patient: "They were canned."

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"What's the best way to prevent disease from biting insects, Doctor?"

"Don't bite any."

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Doctor: "How's the patient in room 15 doing, Nurse?"

Nurse: "Oh, he's such a pest! He cried for three hours yesterday because he lost four teeth."

Doctor: "Well, I don't see what the problem is with that, I assume that most people would be pretty upset about losing four teeth."

Nurse: "Yes, but from his comb?"

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Doctor: "All right, now breathe out three times, please."

Patient: "So you can check my lungs?"

Doctor: "No, so I can clean my glasses."

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Joe: "Call the doctor! Call the doctor! My friend just swallowed a frog!"

Marcia: "Oh dear! Is he very sick?"

Joe: "Sick? He's liable to croak at any minute!"

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Voice on phone: "Hello, is this 444444444444444? Good, could you call 911 and ask for a doctor to come here quickly please? My finger is stuck in the dial!"

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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a louse."

"Will you stop getting in my hair?"

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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's an elevator."

"Well, I'll have a look at him right away. Please send him up."

"That may not be possible, Doctor, he doesn't stop at this floor."

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Doctor: "Well, how's the medicine I perscribed working?"

Patient: "Should be pretty well, Doc. I've been taking three baths a day."

Doctor: "Three baths?"

Patient: "Yeah, just like the instructions on the bottle said."

Doctor: "There must be some mistake."

Patient: "Oh, no mistake, Doc, it said to take a spoonful three times a day in water."

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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a TV antenna."

"Don't worry, ma'am, I'll have him cured right away."

"Oh, I don't want him cured, Doctor, I want him to pick up channel 8."

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"I've been having trouble sleeping, Doctor."

"Well, have you tried counting sheep?"

"Well yes, but it was too dark to see them."

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Patient: "My neck's as stiff as a pipe, my head feels like lead, and my nose is all blocked up."

Doctor: "I can recommend a good plumber."

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Little Billy(On the phone): "Doctor, Doctor, please come quick! Our front door is jammed!"

Doctor: "I believe you need a handyman rather than a doctor, little boy."

Little Billy: "No, I really do need a doctor. Daddy's fingers are stuck in the door!"

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Patient: "Doctor, will you give me something for my head?"

Doctor: "I wouldn't take it as a gift."

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"Doctor, my cousin keeps thinking he's a piece of fudge."

"Well, that's good, it means he's only half nuts."

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Doctor Sally: "Now, what seems to be the matter, dear?"

Naomi: "Wel, you see Doctor, I.....like open-toed shoes."

Doctor Sally: "Well, goodness, there's certainly nothing wrong with liking open-toed shoes! Many people all over the world like them. Honestly, I prefer them myself."

Naomi: "You do? Ohh, that's such a relief! How do you like them, baked or roasted?"

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"Doctor, Doctor, my brother keeps thinking he's a parking meter!"

"Goodness, I'll have to see him right away."

"He can't come in until next Tuesday, That's when the meter maid comes and takes the money out of his mouth."

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"Doctor, I have a problem with talking to myself."

"Don't worry, sir, this is a very benign condition."

"Maybe so, but I'm a terrible bore."

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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a duck."

"I can give you an appointment next month."

"Sorry, but I can't wait that long. I have to fly south for the winter."

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"I've been having this strange dream every night, Doctor. I'm standing in front of this door that has a sign on it; I push with all my might, but I just can't get it open."

"What does the sign say?"

"'Pull.'"

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Frankie: "I used to keep thinking I was a dog, so I went to the psychiatrist."

Marvin: "Did he cure you?"

Frankie: "Sure! Here, feel my nose."

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

*BA-DUM-TSS!* :-D

Funny Poem Showcases:The Resemblance is Uncatty!

It's a well-known fact that pets sometimes tend to resemble their owners, but the folks in these limericks are really overdoing it!

 

 

Joke of the Week #12

A mangy-looking guy goes into a coffee shop and asks for a cup of coffee. The barista says, "No way, I don't think you'll be able to pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right, I don't have any money. But, if I show you something you've never seen before, will you give me a free cup of coffee?"

"Only if what you show me isn't disgusting."

So, the guy reaches into his left coat pocket and takes out a small white mouse and a small plastic piano. The mouse scurries over to the piano and starts playing a tune; he's really, really good! The barista is duly impressed, and hands the guy a cup of coffee.

After the guy's drunk his coffee he says, "Say, would you be willing to give me another free cup?"

"Money or another miracle, otherwise no coffee."

So, the guy reaches into his right coat pocket and takes out a small frog. The frog sings as the mouse is playing; he has a beautiful, rich baritone voice. The barista is once again impressed, and hands the guy another cup.

A guy sitting at a table just across the way walks up to the guy and says, "Excuse me sir, but I'm a world-famous talent agent, and I'd like to buy your singing frog. Is $300 acceptable?"

"You've got yourself a deal!" the guy says; the agent promptly takes the frog and leaves.

"Say, are you crazy?" the barista says. "That singing frog must be worth millions, and you just gave him away for $300!"

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing." the guy says. "The mouse is also a ventriloquist."

Jokes of the Week #5:Foodie Fun

"Waiter, why do you have your thumb on my steak?"

"I didn't want it to fall on the floor again, sir."

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"Do you serve fish here?"

"Yes, we do."

"Then could you bring some fish flakes for my koi?"

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"Waiter, how long will my cheese sub be?"

"Oh, about eight inches."

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"Do you have frog's legs?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, hop into the kitchen and make me a sandwich!"

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What's thin, salty, and romantic?

Chips that pass in the night.

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Hannah and her friends are hanging out after school, chatting about their favorite places to eat a hamburger. Ben says he likes a picnic table at the park, Danny likes a bench at the local fair, and Erin likes a table at the beach. Erin then turns to Hannah and asks, "Where's your favorite place to eat a hamburger?"

Hannah says, "In my mouth."

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How do you turn a pie into a vegetable?

Toss it into the air and it comes down SQUASH!

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In ancient Greece, there was a cyclops named Pete who was feared by everyone. One look from his eye could zap someone. Everyone in Greece was warned to beware Pete's zap eye.

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"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"

"Looks like the backstroke, ma'am."

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"Waiter, there's a fly in my ice cream!"

"Serves him right. Let him freeze!"

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"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"

"Looks like he's playing water polo, sir."

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"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

"Actually, the chef's a witch doctor, and that's what's left of our last customer."

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"Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!"

"Sorry, sir, but we can't always guarantee you'll always get a living one."

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"Waiter, there's a dead moth in my soup!"

"It's the heat that kills them, ma'am."

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"Waiter, there's a dead ant in my soup!"

"Yes, they're not very good swimmers."

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"Yesterday there was no fly in my soup, but today there is one!"

"Yes, we're a fly-by-night operation."

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A dopey guy goes into a pizza parlor and orders a pizza. The guy behind the counter asks, "Would you like it cut into six slices or twelve?"

The guy says, "Six. I could never eat twelve slices."

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A grizzly bear goes into a restaurant and says, "I'd like a burger, french fries and a......soda."

The guy behind the counter says, "Why the big pause?"

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A guy goes into an Italian restaurant and says to the waiter, "Give me an order of lasagna before the trouble starts."

The waiter brings him the lasagna and he eats it, then says, "Give me a slice of pizza before the trouble starts."

The waiter brings him the pizza and he eats it, then says, "Quick, bring me an order of spaghetti! The trouble's going to start at any minute now."

The waiter says, "Excuse me, sir, but when is all this trouble supposed to start?"

The guy says, "The trouble starts as soon as you find out I don't have any money."

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A frog goes into a restaurant and orders soup. After the waiter seves him, he yells, "Hey, waiter! There's no fly in my soup!"

From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

Well, you certainly can't accuse them of false advertising!