George:"Last night I came home to a family that gave me lots of love and sympathy."
Molly:"Oh, how sweet!"
George:"Yes...except I was at the wrong house!"
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Dad:"Why is your little brother crying, Max?"
Max:"Because I wouldn't share my piece of cherry pie."
Dad:"What happened to his piece?"
Max:"Oh, he cried when I ate that, too."
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Stacy:"Mommy, Billy broke my baby doll."
Mom:"Oh dear! How did he do it?"
Stacy:"I hit him over the head with it."
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A little boy is travelling in an elevator with his parents. Five minutes into the ride, he taps his father on the shoulder. His father bends down, and the little boy whispers something in his ear.
"No." the father says.
Five minutes later, the little boy taps his father on the shoulder again, and whispers something in his ear again.
"No." the father says, with a touch of aggravation in his voice.
Five minutes later, the little boy taps his father on the shoulder yet again, at which point the father loses patience and says, "I don't care how Spiderman does it! We're going up this way!"
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As she passes her son's room one night, Jeff's mom hears a booming voice cry out, "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio..."
"Jeff!" his mother yells, knocking on the door. "What are you doing in there?"
"Why, I'm doing just what you'd told me to do," Jeff replies. "You told me to stay in my room until I learned how to act."
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Mr. Greyson:"Happy Anniversary, honey! I got you a DVD player."
Mrs. Greyson:"Oh, thank you so much, darling, but...how did you ever afford it?"
Mr. Greyson:"I traded our TV set for it."
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Norman and his brother Archie sit down to eat a sandwich. Norman cuts the sandwich into two unequal pieces; Archie takes the bigger piece and leaves the smaller piece for Norman.
"That was so rude." Norman says. "I would have taken the smaller piece and given you the bigger one."
"Well...you got it, so what's the big deal?" Archie replies.
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Dad:"I can't believe you hit a baseball through Mr. Brenton's window. What did he say about it?"
Tommy:"Would you like me to leave out the swear words?"
Dad:"Yes, of course."
Tommy:"Well, in that case, he didn't say anything."
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Danny:"My uncle stopped smoking cold turkey."
Erin:"How's he feeling?"
Danny:"Better, but he keeps coughing up feathers."
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Two teenage girls come home from school crying their eyes out. "There, there, dears," their mother says. "Please, tell me what the matter is."
"Oh," the first girl says. "Everyone keeps picking on me. They call me, 'Big Foot', 'Flat Foot', 'You got big, flat, ugly, hideous feet.'"
"Now, Cindy dear," her mother says consolingly. "Don't listen to them. You're very beautiful." She then turns to the other girl. "Now Abby, might I ask what the matter is, please?"
"Well," Abby replies. "I've been invited to a ski party this weekend, and I can't find my skis anywhere!"
"Don't worry, dear," her mother replies. "You can just borrow Cindy's shoes."
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Lucy:"You won't believe this, but my husband let his crazy sister name our new twin son and daughter."
Fiona:""Really? What did she name them?"
Lucy:"Denise and Denephew."
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A cavewoman screams to her husband, "A T-Rex just got into my mother's cave!"
He calls back, "Well, who cares what happens to a T-Rex?"
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Teacher:"Sally, why is your report, 'My Dog', identical to your brother's?"
Sally:"It's the same dog."
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Frankie is visiting his neighbors. As he's walking through their dining room, he notices, to his shock, that the neighbors' little boy is pounding nails into their expensive furniture.
"How can you afford to let him do that?!" Frankie asks.
"Oh, it's no big deal, really," the neighbors reply. "We get the nails on the cheap."
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Bailey:"My sister's on a raw fish diet."
Wendy:"Has she lost any weight?"
Bailey:"No, but you should see her swim, and balance a beach ball on her nose!"
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For his birthday, little Timmy was given three pet chickens. Timmy loved his pets, and played with them every day, but soon, they started making pests of themselves. Timmy would keep forgetting to close the door to the chickens' pen, and they would get into the house and start squawking, scratching and pecking the furniture, and sending feathers flying everywhere. When one of the chickens scratched up Timmy's dad's slippers, he lost his temper.
"If this keeps happening," he shouted, "We're going to have those chickens for dinner!"
"Gee, that sounds great!" Timmy says, his face lighting up. "But...how will they hold the silverware?"
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A Scotsman arrived in New York and soon was set up in his own apartment. After a few weeks, his mother called him to see how he was doing.
"Awful, just awful." he says. "All day long some crazy guy in the room next to me bangs on my wall and yells, 'I can't stand it! I can't stand it! Make it stop, make it stop, make it
stop!!'"
"Oh sweetie, how
awful!" his mother replies.
"But that's not all," he continues. "In the room on the other side some lady wails and moans all day long."
"I'm so sorry, dear." his mother says. "I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to keep to yourself."
"Oh, I do," he replies. "I just sit in my room all day and play the bagpipes."
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Joey and his sister Jessie went into a diner, and sat their lunchboxes down on the table.
"Hey!" the waitress said. "You can't eat your own food here!"
So Joey and Jessie swapped lunchboxes.
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Little Jimmy tore his pants while playing outside. His mother says to him, "Now, Jimmy, I'd like you to stay in your room while I mend your pants, and I'll call you when I'm done." Jimmy happily obliges.
A few minutes later, Jimmy's mother hears some noises coming from the basement; naturally, she assumes that Jimmy must have disobeyed her and gone downstairs without her permission. She yells down the stairs, "You bad boy, are you running around downstairs without your pants on?!"
A deep man's voice replies, "No, lady, I'm just checking the heat register."
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Do you know that robot?
No, but I'm friends with his tran-
sister!
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A man and his wife are on vacation. As they're driving along, they come to the town of Kissimme; they have the hardest time trying to figure out how the town's name is pronounced. Eventually, they stop at a restaurant to have lunch. The man goes up to a waiter and says, "My wife and I have been wondering how to pronounce the name of this place ever since we got here, and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind pronouncing the name of this place slowly and clearly for us, please?"
The waiter gives him an odd look, then says, "Piiiiiiiiiizzaaaa Huuuuuuut."
