Marvin: "This morning I woke up and was surprised to find the dog licking my face."
Sandy: "Why were you surprised?"
Marvin: "We don't have a dog."
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What do you call a crazy flea?
A looney tick!
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Tania: "Say, did you know that it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"
Walter: "Gee, I didn't even know they could knit!"
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What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken name their baby?
Egg.
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A herd of buffalo is travelling across the plain, when a cowboy rides up alongside them. "You're the ugliest buffalo I've ever seen," he says. "Look at you, your fur is all tangled and matted, you're dirty and smelly, and you're slobbering all over the place."
After the cowboy leaves, one of the buffalo at the back of the herd turns to the buffalo next to him and says, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."
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Why was the little whale sent to the principal's office?
For spouting off at the teacher.
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What do you get when you cross a small deer with a ghost?
Bamboo.
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Jumbo the circus elephant was known for being big-hearted. The other day, he was walking in the parade, when he accidentally stepped on a bird. Knowing that the bird probably had a nest somewhere with a baby in it, he sat on the bird to keep it warm.
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Junior: "Daddy, Daddy, there's a Dalmatian in the house."
Dad: "Don't worry about that, son, I hear that Dalmatians are supposed to be lucky."
Junior: "This one sure is. He ate your dinner!"
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What do you get when you cross a pig with an iguana?
A porky spine.
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Morris(At the zoo): "You know, I wonder what that prairie dog would say if he could talk."
Wendy: "He'd probably say, 'Pardon me, but I'm a ferret.'"
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Simon: "I finally found the rattle in my car."
Rhonda: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that."
Simon: "I'm not-it was attatched to a snake!"
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What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a shark and a T. Rex?
I don't know, but I sure wouldn't get in the pool with it!
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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
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How is the letter "A" like a flower bed?
Because they both have bees coming after them.
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What's a cat's favorite musical?
The Sound of Mew-sic.
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What do rodents use for bad breath?
Mousewash.
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Gloria: "Mr. Franklin worked as a dogcatcher for 20 years, but now he's been fired."
Myles: "Why? What happened?"
Gloria: "The dogs started catching him."
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What's a sheep's favorite movie?
Ewe Got Mail.
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Why do fish swim in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
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As Mona is leaving her house one morning, she sees her neighbor Mrs. Greyson walking through her front door, holding a pet carrier. Mona walks up to her. "Hi, Mrs. Greyson. What'cha got in that carrier?"
"It's a cat." Mrs. Greyson replies. "You see, for the last few nights, I've been dreaming about rats, and I've been really scared! The cat will catch them, hopefully."
A perplexed look crosses Mona's face. "But...the rats aren't real."
"Don't worry, dear, the cat isn't either."
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Little Skunk: "But Mom, why can't I have a chemistry set for my birthday?"
Mama Skunk: "I'm afraid that it would stink up the house."
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There's a knock at the door, and when Lucy answers it, she sees a snail sitting on her doorstep. Lucy then immediately picks up the snail, runs to the end of her driveway, and throws it as hard as she can.
Two years pass, and Lucy hears another knock at her door as she's sitting in her living room. She answers the door, and finds the same snail there. "What was that all about?" the snail asks.
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Fido: "There's a dog on the next block with really long ears, and every time he walks up the stairs, he steps on them."
Fifi: "He steps on his ears?"
Fido: "No, he steps on the stairs."
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When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?
When you're a mouse.
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I stayed in a small village in the country last summer; my landlady kept animals. On the first day one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.
On the second day one of her pigs died, so we had honeybaked ham.
On the third day one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops.
On the fourth day her husband died, so I left before dinner.
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What has 100 feet and 98 shoes?
A centipede trying on a new pair of sneakers.
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Why are elephants prone to holding grudges?
They can forgive, but they can't forget.
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And why are giraffes prone to holding grudges?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Cowboy Tom and Cowboy Fred shared a field for their two horses. In order to be able to tell them apart, Tom tied a red ribbon around his horse's tail; one day, when they went out to the field, Tom noticed that the ribbon had fallen off.
"Now how will we tell our horses apart?" a concerned Tom exclaims.
Fred thinks about it for about a minute. "I know! How about if you take the black one and I take the white one?"
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What did Tarzan say when he saw an enormous pink elephant wearing dark glasses walking by?
Nothing. He didn't recognize it.
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Mrs. Morgan was having a difficult time teaching her parrot to talk. She tried everything: repeating certain phrases to him several times, reading to him, and having conversations within his earshot, but nothing ever worked. Then one day, after she had fed the bird his dinner, the parrot said, "Can I have a little more birdseed, please?"
Mrs. Morgan was shocked. "You can talk? But, how come you never said anything before?"
"Well, everything's been fine until now."
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Why did the sheep like the buffet restaurant?
Because the sign said, "All Ewe Can Eat."
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From Nickelodeon Magazine.
