Incidentally, it's been proven impossible to listen to this song without cracking up.(You may ask me how I know...)
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Music Showcase: The Jones Laughing Record by Spike Jones
A humorous take on Tchaikovsky's Flight of the Bumblebee, puctuated every so often by laughing and sneezing(And honestly, who doesn't like a good son about laughing and sneezing? :-D). Please enjoy!
Funny Poem Showcase: There Was an Old Person of Pinner by Edward Lear
This should definetly qualify him for an olympics.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Jokes of the Week #62: A Second Helping of Foodie Fun
A little boy is eating at a restaurant with his father. Shortly after the boy is brought a bowl of soup, he says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup."
The father then calls to the waiter, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings another bowl of soup. Shortly thereafter, however, the boy says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup, either."
The father calls to the waiter again, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings yet another bowl. Shortly thereafter, the boy says yet again, "Daddy, I still can't eat this soup."
Growing frustrated, the father inquires, "Son, you've been brought three different bowls of soup and haven't been able to eat a single one of them. What's wrong with the soup?"
"Oh, nothing, I just don't have a spoon."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to serve with jacket potatoes?
Button mushrooms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a goalkeeper's favorite food?
Post and jam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do monsters order at fast food restaurants?
French frights.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have if you eat two-thirds of a pie?
Angry dinner guests!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiter: "I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pigs' feet."
Mort: "Don't tell me about your health problems, just bring me my dinner!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the Abombinable Snowman's favorite food?
Ice-burgers and french fries.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was eating alphabet soup. He had eaten nine bowls of it when he asked the waiter for another bowl. The waiter gives him an odd look. "How many bowls of soup are you going to eat?"
"Oh, I'm just gonna keep eating until I find a period." the guy replies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it dangerous to go into a seafood restaurant?
You might run into a man eating lobster!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harold: "Say Don, did you know that you have a hot dog behind your ear?"
Dopey Don: "Oops! Well that explains what happened to my pencil."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a berry punch?
Give it boxing lessons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you start a race between two rice puddings?
Sago.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Someone seems to have gotten into the fridge last night. Do you know anything about this, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Gosh, no, Mom. There wasn't anyone there last night when I finished off the last of the cake."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does steak taste better in space?
Because it's meteor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which dessert complains the most?
Apple grumble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Julia: "I'd like a scorched hamburger, greasy fries with too much salt, and a soggy, wilted Caesar salad."
Waitress: "I'm afraid the chef can't serve you that, ma'am."
Julia: "Why not? He did yesterday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Aren't you going to finish your alphabet soup, dear? You have only a few letters left in your bowl."
Tammy: "Yes, but they spell out, 'Brussels sprouts.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lina: "I'd like a cheeseburger without pickles, please."
Waitress: "Oh, sorry ma'am, but we're all out of pickles. I can give you one without onions, though."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcus: "Waiter, this chili tastes like dog food."
Waiter: "Why, that's simply not possible, sir, how could cat food taste like dog food?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whitney: "I went to that new restaurant down the street yesterday; I ordered a fresh salad and they gave me the freshest salad in the world. Then, I ordered a bowl of spicy chili and they gave me the spiciest chili in the world."
June: "Well, when I went there, I ordered a small hamburger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus stare at a bottle of orange juice for an hour?
Because it said, "Concentrate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local restaurant had made a deal that whoever ordered a meal that they couldn't make would be paid $100. Carl stops by the restaurant one afternoon; after he's seated himself at a table, he tells the waiter, "I'd like an alligator sanwich on a hoagie roll with honey mustard."
The waiter promptly reaches into his pocket, takes out a fat roll of dollar bills, and gives Carl a hundred dollars. "What, no alligators today?" Carl inquires.
"Oh, we have plenty of alligators," the waiter replies. "We're just out of hoagie rolls."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyle: "Say, waiter, there's Swiss cheese in this sandwich. I don't like cheese with holes!"
Waiter: "Well then, just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the plate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the doofus say when he was served a bowl of Cheerios at a diner?
"Say, when did you start serving donut seeds?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frankie: "So, I took my girlfriend out for dinner at this fancy restaurant last night; she orders a bowl of soup, and wouldn't you know it, she finds a fly in her soup!"
Jeff: "Oh, that's awful! What did she do?"
Frankie: "Well, she turns to the waiter and calls, 'Waiter, remove this insect!"
Jeff: "And what happened then?"
Frankie: "He kicked me out the door."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the angry chef who tried to make pancakes in a volcano?
He blew his stack.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a restaurant waiting for his bill, after eating his meal. Shortly, the waiter brings the bill, which says:
What's a hot dog's favorite car?
A Rolls.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The father then calls to the waiter, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings another bowl of soup. Shortly thereafter, however, the boy says, "Daddy, I can't eat this soup, either."
The father calls to the waiter again, "Could you bring my son another bowl of soup, please?"
The waiter obligingly brings yet another bowl. Shortly thereafter, the boy says yet again, "Daddy, I still can't eat this soup."
Growing frustrated, the father inquires, "Son, you've been brought three different bowls of soup and haven't been able to eat a single one of them. What's wrong with the soup?"
"Oh, nothing, I just don't have a spoon."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to serve with jacket potatoes?
Button mushrooms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a goalkeeper's favorite food?
Post and jam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do monsters order at fast food restaurants?
French frights.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you have if you eat two-thirds of a pie?
Angry dinner guests!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Waiter: "I have boiled tongue, fried liver, and pigs' feet."
Mort: "Don't tell me about your health problems, just bring me my dinner!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the Abombinable Snowman's favorite food?
Ice-burgers and french fries.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was eating alphabet soup. He had eaten nine bowls of it when he asked the waiter for another bowl. The waiter gives him an odd look. "How many bowls of soup are you going to eat?"
"Oh, I'm just gonna keep eating until I find a period." the guy replies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it dangerous to go into a seafood restaurant?
You might run into a man eating lobster!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harold: "Say Don, did you know that you have a hot dog behind your ear?"
Dopey Don: "Oops! Well that explains what happened to my pencil."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a berry punch?
Give it boxing lessons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you start a race between two rice puddings?
Sago.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Someone seems to have gotten into the fridge last night. Do you know anything about this, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Gosh, no, Mom. There wasn't anyone there last night when I finished off the last of the cake."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does steak taste better in space?
Because it's meteor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which dessert complains the most?
Apple grumble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Julia: "I'd like a scorched hamburger, greasy fries with too much salt, and a soggy, wilted Caesar salad."
Waitress: "I'm afraid the chef can't serve you that, ma'am."
Julia: "Why not? He did yesterday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Aren't you going to finish your alphabet soup, dear? You have only a few letters left in your bowl."
Tammy: "Yes, but they spell out, 'Brussels sprouts.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lina: "I'd like a cheeseburger without pickles, please."
Waitress: "Oh, sorry ma'am, but we're all out of pickles. I can give you one without onions, though."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marcus: "Waiter, this chili tastes like dog food."
Waiter: "Why, that's simply not possible, sir, how could cat food taste like dog food?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whitney: "I went to that new restaurant down the street yesterday; I ordered a fresh salad and they gave me the freshest salad in the world. Then, I ordered a bowl of spicy chili and they gave me the spiciest chili in the world."
June: "Well, when I went there, I ordered a small hamburger."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the doofus stare at a bottle of orange juice for an hour?
Because it said, "Concentrate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local restaurant had made a deal that whoever ordered a meal that they couldn't make would be paid $100. Carl stops by the restaurant one afternoon; after he's seated himself at a table, he tells the waiter, "I'd like an alligator sanwich on a hoagie roll with honey mustard."
The waiter promptly reaches into his pocket, takes out a fat roll of dollar bills, and gives Carl a hundred dollars. "What, no alligators today?" Carl inquires.
"Oh, we have plenty of alligators," the waiter replies. "We're just out of hoagie rolls."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lyle: "Say, waiter, there's Swiss cheese in this sandwich. I don't like cheese with holes!"
Waiter: "Well then, just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the plate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the doofus say when he was served a bowl of Cheerios at a diner?
"Say, when did you start serving donut seeds?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frankie: "So, I took my girlfriend out for dinner at this fancy restaurant last night; she orders a bowl of soup, and wouldn't you know it, she finds a fly in her soup!"
Jeff: "Oh, that's awful! What did she do?"
Frankie: "Well, she turns to the waiter and calls, 'Waiter, remove this insect!"
Jeff: "And what happened then?"
Frankie: "He kicked me out the door."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the angry chef who tried to make pancakes in a volcano?
He blew his stack.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is sitting in a restaurant waiting for his bill, after eating his meal. Shortly, the waiter brings the bill, which says:
OMELETE $1.50
TEA $.25
The diner asks if the waiter wouldn't mind taking the bill back and rewriting it as omelette with two t's. The waiter leaves for a minute or two, then comes back with a new bill, which says:
OMELETE $1.50
2 TEAS $.50
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------What's a hot dog's favorite car?
A Rolls.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Joke of the Week #61
Laura: "I heard that you weren't working at the local grocery store anymore."
Marvin: "I should say not, after what the boss said to me!"
Laura: "What was that?"
Marvin: "You're fired!"
Marvin: "I should say not, after what the boss said to me!"
Laura: "What was that?"
Marvin: "You're fired!"
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
He's Back, and He's Furrier Than Ever!
The Garfield Show is the most recent Garfield TV series, which premiered on Cartoon Network on November 22, 2009. Of Garfield's TV incarnations, this one, interestingly enough, stays closest to the spirit of the comic strip. The series chronicles the daily escapades of the famous fat cat, his bumbling owner Jon, his dopey dog pal Odie, his girlfriend Arlene, his mouse buddy Squeak, the troublemaking Nermal, and Jon's girlfriend Dr.Liz Wilson. A particular point of interest is that the series featured a vast number of characters exclusive to the show, such as Vito the pizza guy, whose restaurant Jon and his crew would often frequent, his girlfriend Angelica(no relation, fortunately), resident tough guy Harry the alley cat, crazy inventor Dr. Thaddeus Bonkers, eccentric TV food critic Eddie Gourmand, inept dogcatchers Al*and Pete, Nathan, the seemingly friendly neighbor boy who's secretly an evil scientist, feisty neighborhood chihuahua Hercules, Jon's hyper twin cousins Drusilla and Minerva, who are forever trying to play dress up with Garfield and Odie(much to their chagrin), and Jon's overbearing Aunt Ivy, among others.
Episodes would usually center around a problem or situation of some sort, which it would then be up to Garfield to solve, as only Garfield can!
Overall, The Garfield Show is a very funny, entertaining show. The CGI artwork is excellent(very comic-strip grade!), the episode plots are very enjoyable, and the show's vast entourage of characters are good, likeable, and very charismatic. Garfield aficionados, especially former fans of Garfield and Friends(such as myself) are sure to love this.(One episode I particularly would like to reccommend BTW, is "Long Lost Lyman", a four-parter in which the mystery of Lyman's disappearance is finally solved.)
The theme song's pretty sweet, too!
Several DVDs were made from the series, which are available at the links below:
A series of graphic novels based off of various episodes of the show were also made:
"Simple, that's me."
*Or "Big Al", as I've affectionately nicknamed him.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Happy 35th Birthday, Garfield!
The famous fat cat turns the big 3-5 on this very special day. Happy birthday, Garfield! Hope you enjoy your triple layer lasagna cake.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Music Showcase: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon
Another sweet song about the love between a father and his daughter by Paul Simon(formerly of Simon and Garfunkel) from The Wild Thornberrys Movie. Please enjoy! (A box of tissues is also recommended here.) :*) :*) :*)
Music Showcase: Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle
A hap-hap-Happy Father's Day to all! Here, in honor of this most special of occasions, is Bob Carlisle's famous ode to the love between a father and his daughter(Which he wrote about his own daughter Brooke.) Please enjoy! (A box of tissues comes strongly recommended for this.) :*) :*) :*)
And, now that you've heard the song...
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Joke of the Week #60
A little boy was sitting on a curb, pretending to fish down a manhole. A kindly old man walks up to the sad-eyed little boy. "How long have you been fishing, sonny?"
"All day." the boy replies woefully.
The old man hands the boy a dollar. "And how many have you caught?"
The little boy pockets the money and smiles. "You're the twelfth."
"All day." the boy replies woefully.
The old man hands the boy a dollar. "And how many have you caught?"
The little boy pockets the money and smiles. "You're the twelfth."
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Cartoon Showcase: Wings Take Heart
A surprisingly sweet(but still very funny!) offering from Animaniacs concerning a moth who falls in love with a beautiful butterfly. When the two little lovers travel into the city, he gets separated from her via a series of mishaps and runs into danger. Will he ever find his way back to safety and reunite with his beloved? Please enjoy! (BTW, watch for Yakko, Wakko, Dot, and Ralph the guard to make a cameo in the background, as well as a bonus "Good Idea, Bad Idea" in the beginning.)
Music Showcase: Ya Wanna Buy a Bunny? by Spike Jones
A humorous ditty told from the POV of a little boy who's overrun with pet bunnies who are giving him no end of trouble. Please enjoy!
BTW, there was also a cover of this song by famous kids' song laureate Joanie Bartels, which is available for download at this link. A good gift for younger fans of novelty songs.
BTW, there was also a cover of this song by famous kids' song laureate Joanie Bartels, which is available for download at this link. A good gift for younger fans of novelty songs.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Jokes of the Week #59: Animal Crack-Ups 2: It's a Zoo in Here
Marvin: "This morning I woke up and was surprised to find the dog licking my face."
Sandy: "Why were you surprised?"
Marvin: "We don't have a dog."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a crazy flea?
A looney tick!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tania: "Say, did you know that it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"
Walter: "Gee, I didn't even know they could knit!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken name their baby?
Egg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A herd of buffalo is travelling across the plain, when a cowboy rides up alongside them. "You're the ugliest buffalo I've ever seen," he says. "Look at you, your fur is all tangled and matted, you're dirty and smelly, and you're slobbering all over the place."
After the cowboy leaves, one of the buffalo at the back of the herd turns to the buffalo next to him and says, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the little whale sent to the principal's office?
For spouting off at the teacher.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a small deer with a ghost?
Bamboo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jumbo the circus elephant was known for being big-hearted. The other day, he was walking in the parade, when he accidentally stepped on a bird. Knowing that the bird probably had a nest somewhere with a baby in it, he sat on the bird to keep it warm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junior: "Daddy, Daddy, there's a Dalmatian in the house."
Dad: "Don't worry about that, son, I hear that Dalmatians are supposed to be lucky."
Junior: "This one sure is. He ate your dinner!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a pig with an iguana?
A porky spine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris(At the zoo): "You know, I wonder what that prairie dog would say if he could talk."
Wendy: "He'd probably say, 'Pardon me, but I'm a ferret.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simon: "I finally found the rattle in my car."
Rhonda: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that."
Simon: "I'm not-it was attatched to a snake!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a shark and a T. Rex?
I don't know, but I sure wouldn't get in the pool with it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is the letter "A" like a flower bed?
Because they both have bees coming after them.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a cat's favorite musical?
The Sound of Mew-sic.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do rodents use for bad breath?
Mousewash.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria: "Mr. Franklin worked as a dogcatcher for 20 years, but now he's been fired."
Myles: "Why? What happened?"
Gloria: "The dogs started catching him."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a sheep's favorite movie?
Ewe Got Mail.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do fish swim in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Mona is leaving her house one morning, she sees her neighbor Mrs. Greyson walking through her front door, holding a pet carrier. Mona walks up to her. "Hi, Mrs. Greyson. What'cha got in that carrier?"
"It's a cat." Mrs. Greyson replies. "You see, for the last few nights, I've been dreaming about rats, and I've been really scared! The cat will catch them, hopefully."
A perplexed look crosses Mona's face. "But...the rats aren't real."
"Don't worry, dear, the cat isn't either."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Skunk: "But Mom, why can't I have a chemistry set for my birthday?"
Mama Skunk: "I'm afraid that it would stink up the house."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a knock at the door, and when Lucy answers it, she sees a snail sitting on her doorstep. Lucy then immediately picks up the snail, runs to the end of her driveway, and throws it as hard as she can.
Two years pass, and Lucy hears another knock at her door as she's sitting in her living room. She answers the door, and finds the same snail there. "What was that all about?" the snail asks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fido: "There's a dog on the next block with really long ears, and every time he walks up the stairs, he steps on them."
Fifi: "He steps on his ears?"
Fido: "No, he steps on the stairs."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?
When you're a mouse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stayed in a small village in the country last summer; my landlady kept animals. On the first day one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.
On the second day one of her pigs died, so we had honeybaked ham.
On the third day one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops.
On the fourth day her husband died, so I left before dinner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What has 100 feet and 98 shoes?
A centipede trying on a new pair of sneakers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants prone to holding grudges?
They can forgive, but they can't forget.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And why are giraffes prone to holding grudges?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cowboy Tom and Cowboy Fred shared a field for their two horses. In order to be able to tell them apart, Tom tied a red ribbon around his horse's tail; one day, when they went out to the field, Tom noticed that the ribbon had fallen off.
"Now how will we tell our horses apart?" a concerned Tom exclaims.
Fred thinks about it for about a minute. "I know! How about if you take the black one and I take the white one?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Tarzan say when he saw an enormous pink elephant wearing dark glasses walking by?
Nothing. He didn't recognize it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Morgan was having a difficult time teaching her parrot to talk. She tried everything: repeating certain phrases to him several times, reading to him, and having conversations within his earshot, but nothing ever worked. Then one day, after she had fed the bird his dinner, the parrot said, "Can I have a little more birdseed, please?"
Mrs. Morgan was shocked. "You can talk? But, how come you never said anything before?"
"Well, everything's been fine until now."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the sheep like the buffet restaurant?
Because the sign said, "All Ewe Can Eat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy: "Why were you surprised?"
Marvin: "We don't have a dog."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a crazy flea?
A looney tick!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tania: "Say, did you know that it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"
Walter: "Gee, I didn't even know they could knit!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Mr. and Mrs. Chicken name their baby?
Egg.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A herd of buffalo is travelling across the plain, when a cowboy rides up alongside them. "You're the ugliest buffalo I've ever seen," he says. "Look at you, your fur is all tangled and matted, you're dirty and smelly, and you're slobbering all over the place."
After the cowboy leaves, one of the buffalo at the back of the herd turns to the buffalo next to him and says, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the little whale sent to the principal's office?
For spouting off at the teacher.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a small deer with a ghost?
Bamboo.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jumbo the circus elephant was known for being big-hearted. The other day, he was walking in the parade, when he accidentally stepped on a bird. Knowing that the bird probably had a nest somewhere with a baby in it, he sat on the bird to keep it warm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Junior: "Daddy, Daddy, there's a Dalmatian in the house."
Dad: "Don't worry about that, son, I hear that Dalmatians are supposed to be lucky."
Junior: "This one sure is. He ate your dinner!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a pig with an iguana?
A porky spine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris(At the zoo): "You know, I wonder what that prairie dog would say if he could talk."
Wendy: "He'd probably say, 'Pardon me, but I'm a ferret.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Simon: "I finally found the rattle in my car."
Rhonda: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that."
Simon: "I'm not-it was attatched to a snake!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a shark and a T. Rex?
I don't know, but I sure wouldn't get in the pool with it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is the letter "A" like a flower bed?
Because they both have bees coming after them.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a cat's favorite musical?
The Sound of Mew-sic.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do rodents use for bad breath?
Mousewash.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria: "Mr. Franklin worked as a dogcatcher for 20 years, but now he's been fired."
Myles: "Why? What happened?"
Gloria: "The dogs started catching him."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's a sheep's favorite movie?
Ewe Got Mail.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do fish swim in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Mona is leaving her house one morning, she sees her neighbor Mrs. Greyson walking through her front door, holding a pet carrier. Mona walks up to her. "Hi, Mrs. Greyson. What'cha got in that carrier?"
"It's a cat." Mrs. Greyson replies. "You see, for the last few nights, I've been dreaming about rats, and I've been really scared! The cat will catch them, hopefully."
A perplexed look crosses Mona's face. "But...the rats aren't real."
"Don't worry, dear, the cat isn't either."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Skunk: "But Mom, why can't I have a chemistry set for my birthday?"
Mama Skunk: "I'm afraid that it would stink up the house."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a knock at the door, and when Lucy answers it, she sees a snail sitting on her doorstep. Lucy then immediately picks up the snail, runs to the end of her driveway, and throws it as hard as she can.
Two years pass, and Lucy hears another knock at her door as she's sitting in her living room. She answers the door, and finds the same snail there. "What was that all about?" the snail asks.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fido: "There's a dog on the next block with really long ears, and every time he walks up the stairs, he steps on them."
Fifi: "He steps on his ears?"
Fido: "No, he steps on the stairs."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When is it bad luck to have a black cat follow you?
When you're a mouse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stayed in a small village in the country last summer; my landlady kept animals. On the first day one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.
On the second day one of her pigs died, so we had honeybaked ham.
On the third day one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops.
On the fourth day her husband died, so I left before dinner.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What has 100 feet and 98 shoes?
A centipede trying on a new pair of sneakers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants prone to holding grudges?
They can forgive, but they can't forget.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And why are giraffes prone to holding grudges?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cowboy Tom and Cowboy Fred shared a field for their two horses. In order to be able to tell them apart, Tom tied a red ribbon around his horse's tail; one day, when they went out to the field, Tom noticed that the ribbon had fallen off.
"Now how will we tell our horses apart?" a concerned Tom exclaims.
Fred thinks about it for about a minute. "I know! How about if you take the black one and I take the white one?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did Tarzan say when he saw an enormous pink elephant wearing dark glasses walking by?
Nothing. He didn't recognize it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Morgan was having a difficult time teaching her parrot to talk. She tried everything: repeating certain phrases to him several times, reading to him, and having conversations within his earshot, but nothing ever worked. Then one day, after she had fed the bird his dinner, the parrot said, "Can I have a little more birdseed, please?"
Mrs. Morgan was shocked. "You can talk? But, how come you never said anything before?"
"Well, everything's been fine until now."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the sheep like the buffet restaurant?
Because the sign said, "All Ewe Can Eat."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Classic Cartoon Showcase: Popeye in Puttin' on the Act
In this humorous classic, Olive shows Popeye a newspaper headline declaring that vaudeville is coming back, upon which they decide to rekindle their(somewhat ridiculous) vaudeville act...but how will they fare with it? Please enjoy! (Watch for a couple of cute moments where Swee' Pea switches the cue card, and an amusing moment where Popeye impersonates such comics of the time as Jimmy Durante, Stan Laurel, and Groucho Marx.)
Little did we know that Popeye and Olive had an old vaudeville act, incidentally.
Funny Poem Showcase: I Saw a Sloth Play Soccer by Kenn Nesbitt
Say, I think I saw these guys racing earlier! :-D
Funny Poem Showcase: The Race by Shel Silverstein
And if someone else rode a sloth, they'd come in even later! :-D
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Joke of the Week #58
For his birthday Joe received a parrot who had a nasty disposition and an even worse vocabulary. Joe tried everything he could to change the parrot's demeanor; he played soft music, always spoke softly and politely, and always said plenty of nice things to the parrot, but regrettably, nothing ever worked.
Joe got angry. He shook the bird. The bird got worse. He yelled at the bird. The bird got louder and even more rude. Finally, Joe had had enough, so he put the bird in the freezer. The parrot begins squawking loudly; eventually, his voice drops, and then he goes completely silent. Afraid that he might have hurt the bird, Joe throws the freezer door open, upon which the parrot flutters out onto his arm.
"I'm very sorry to have offended you with my language and behavior," the parrot says. "I promise that from now on, I'll behave myself."
Joe was pleasantly surprised at the bird's change in behavior; the parrot then says, "Oh by the way, if I may ask, what did the turkey do?"
Joe got angry. He shook the bird. The bird got worse. He yelled at the bird. The bird got louder and even more rude. Finally, Joe had had enough, so he put the bird in the freezer. The parrot begins squawking loudly; eventually, his voice drops, and then he goes completely silent. Afraid that he might have hurt the bird, Joe throws the freezer door open, upon which the parrot flutters out onto his arm.
"I'm very sorry to have offended you with my language and behavior," the parrot says. "I promise that from now on, I'll behave myself."
Joe was pleasantly surprised at the bird's change in behavior; the parrot then says, "Oh by the way, if I may ask, what did the turkey do?"
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