"Next!"
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A guy comes into the doctor's office with a carrot in his left ear, a banana in his right ear, and a bean in each nostril. The doctor says, "You aren't eating right."
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"Doctor, I broke my arm in two places."
"Well, I sure wouldn't go back to those two places!"
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Nelly:"I had been seeing fuzzy spots in front of my eyes, so I went to the eye doctor, and he gave me these glasses."
Zoe:"Oh, how nice! Do they work?"
Nelly:"Yes, I can see the spots so much more clearly now!"
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit!"
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Well, just sit over here on this couch, and we'll talk about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."
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"Doctor, my brother keeps thinking he's a pretzel."
"Well, bring him in, and I'll straighten him out."
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"I'm worried about my kids, Doctor. All they do all day is climb trees and swing from vines."
"Don't worry, ma'am, this is a very benign condition."
"Oh, thank you, doctor. Now, how much will the bill be?"
"30 bananas."
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A Dalmatian goes in to the eye doctor. "Every time I look at my friend, I see spots." she says.
"Well, I wouldn't be concerned about that," the doctor says. "You are a Dalmatian, after all."
"What difference does that make?" the Dalmatian replies. "My friend's a Tabby cat."
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"Doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me."
"Please say that again, and this time, don't both speak at once."
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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a horse."
"Well ma'am, I can cure him, but it's going to be fairly expensive."
"Money's no problem, he just won the Kentucky Derby."
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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a refrigerator."
"Not to worry, ma'am, this is a very benign condition."
"Well, maybe so, but the light from his mouth keeps me awake at night."
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"Doctor, I have this terrible feeling that everyone's trying to take advantage of me."
"Don't be concerned, sir, there's nothing to it at all."
"Gosh, thanks doctor, I feel a whole lot better. Now, how much will my bill be?"
"How much do you have?"
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The doctor tells this dopey guy, "Go home and drink a glass of warm tea after a hot bath."
The guy thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the doctor calls him and asks, "So, did the remedy I perscribed work?"
The guy answers, "I'm not sure. After I drank the bath, I didn't have room for the tea!"
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"Doc, you gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm happy!"
"Well, goodness, what in the world could be wrong with that?"
"Happy's my guinea pig."
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Doctor:"Sir, I believe you're suffering from a split personality."
Patient:"No, we aren't."
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Doctor:"I have good news and bad news for you, sir. The good news is that you're suffering from a split personality."
Patient:"Are you kidding? That's the good news?! Then what could the bad news possibly be?"
Doctor:"I'm going to have to bill you twice."
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Doctor:"When you brought your son to me this morning, you'd said he had trouble eating, but when I examined him, I found out that he had a broken nose."
Mrs. Warren:"Sorry doctor, I must not have been too clear when I said, 'He only pecks at his food."'
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a movie."
"I thought I'd seen you somewhere before."
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Howard comes into work one day with both of his ears bandaged up. "Gosh," the boss says. "How did you hurt your ears like that?"
Howard says, "Well, I was ironing a shirt one morning, when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains the one ear, but what happened to the other one?"
Howard says, "Well, see, then I had to call the doctor..."
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"Doc, you gotta give me something for my headache!"
"Well, I really didn't care to have it, but I'll give you a dollar if you insist."
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"I have this weird problem, doctor. Some days I wake up and think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, and some days I wake up and think I'm Goofy!"
"I see, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm an alarm clock."
"Well, take two aspirin and ring me in the morning!"
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A guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He opens the door and there's a six-foot cockroach standing in front of him. The cockroach pummels him black and blue and steals his wallet.
In the house next door, another guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He answers the door, and there's the six-foot cockroach. The cockroach clobbers him over the head and kicks him in the shins.
In the next house over, another guy is sitting in his living room, when his doorbell rings. He opens his door, and there's the six-foot cockroach again. The cockroach punches him in the eye, socks him in the nose, and kicks him in the bum.
The three guys drag themselves to the hospital; once there, they tell the doctor what had happened and describe the six-foot cockroach. The doctor says, "Yes, I've heard that there's been a nasty bug going around."
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"Doc, you gotta help me! My throat is wurst."
"I think you mean, 'worse', sir."
"No, I really do mean 'wurst'. Do you know how much it hurts to choke on a sausage?"*
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A guy goes into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, my body hurts whenever I touch it." The doctor says, "Show me." So, the guy touches his leg and screams, then he touches his leg and shrieks, then he touches his neck and wails. The doctor says, "Your finger's broken."
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible!"
"Who said that?"
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(Warning:This may just be the wurst joke on this page. :-D)
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
Extra: What was the first thing the Big Bad Wolf ate after going to the dentist?
The dentist.(I couldn't resist. :-D)
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