"Why, Doctor, is it missing?"
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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's invisible."
"Sorry, but I can't see him."
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Doctor: "Goodness, how did you get such a lump on your head?"
Patient: "Some beans fell on my head."
Doctor: "Beans gave you a lump on your head?"
Patient: "They were canned."
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"What's the best way to prevent disease from biting insects, Doctor?"
"Don't bite any."
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Doctor: "How's the patient in room 15 doing, Nurse?"
Nurse: "Oh, he's such a pest! He cried for three hours yesterday because he lost four teeth."
Doctor: "Well, I don't see what the problem is with that, I assume that most people would be pretty upset about losing four teeth."
Nurse: "Yes, but from his comb?"
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Doctor: "All right, now breathe out three times, please."
Patient: "So you can check my lungs?"
Doctor: "No, so I can clean my glasses."
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Joe: "Call the doctor! Call the doctor! My friend just swallowed a frog!"
Marcia: "Oh dear! Is he very sick?"
Joe: "Sick? He's liable to croak at any minute!"
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Voice on phone: "Hello, is this 444444444444444? Good, could you call 911 and ask for a doctor to come here quickly please? My finger is stuck in the dial!"
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a louse."
"Will you stop getting in my hair?"
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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's an elevator."
"Well, I'll have a look at him right away. Please send him up."
"That may not be possible, Doctor, he doesn't stop at this floor."
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Doctor: "Well, how's the medicine I perscribed working?"
Patient: "Should be pretty well, Doc. I've been taking three baths a day."
Doctor: "Three baths?"
Patient: "Yeah, just like the instructions on the bottle said."
Doctor: "There must be some mistake."
Patient: "Oh, no mistake, Doc, it said to take a spoonful three times a day in water."
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"Doctor, my husband keeps thinking he's a TV antenna."
"Don't worry, ma'am, I'll have him cured right away."
"Oh, I don't want him cured, Doctor, I want him to pick up channel 8."
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"I've been having trouble sleeping, Doctor."
"Well, have you tried counting sheep?"
"Well yes, but it was too dark to see them."
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Patient: "My neck's as stiff as a pipe, my head feels like lead, and my nose is all blocked up."
Doctor: "I can recommend a good plumber."
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Little Billy(On the phone): "Doctor, Doctor, please come quick! Our front door is jammed!"
Doctor: "I believe you need a handyman rather than a doctor, little boy."
Little Billy: "No, I really do need a doctor. Daddy's fingers are stuck in the door!"
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Patient: "Doctor, will you give me something for my head?"
Doctor: "I wouldn't take it as a gift."
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"Doctor, my cousin keeps thinking he's a piece of fudge."
"Well, that's good, it means he's only half nuts."
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Doctor Sally: "Now, what seems to be the matter, dear?"
Naomi: "Wel, you see Doctor, I.....like open-toed shoes."
Doctor Sally: "Well, goodness, there's certainly nothing wrong with liking open-toed shoes! Many people all over the world like them. Honestly, I prefer them myself."
Naomi: "You do? Ohh, that's such a relief! How do you like them, baked or roasted?"
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"Doctor, Doctor, my brother keeps thinking he's a parking meter!"
"Goodness, I'll have to see him right away."
"He can't come in until next Tuesday, That's when the meter maid comes and takes the money out of his mouth."
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"Doctor, I have a problem with talking to myself."
"Don't worry, sir, this is a very benign condition."
"Maybe so, but I'm a terrible bore."
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a duck."
"I can give you an appointment next month."
"Sorry, but I can't wait that long. I have to fly south for the winter."
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"I've been having this strange dream every night, Doctor. I'm standing in front of this door that has a sign on it; I push with all my might, but I just can't get it open."
"What does the sign say?"
"'Pull.'"
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Frankie: "I used to keep thinking I was a dog, so I went to the psychiatrist."
Marvin: "Did he cure you?"
Frankie: "Sure! Here, feel my nose."
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From Nickelodeon Magazine.
*BA-DUM-TSS!* :-D
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