Jokes of the Week #33:Joke-Pourri*

*Which, to clarify, means jokes that are about a variety of things, rather than jokes about smelly stuff. :-D

 

 

Mimi: "How did you find the weather when you were on vacation?"

 

Josie: "I stepped outside, and there it was!"

 

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What do you have if a dog and a bird get into a stereo?

 

A woofer and a tweeter.

 

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Mom: "Molly, why don't you play Scrabble with Nona any more?"

 

Molly: "Would you like to play with someone who lies and cheats and sneaks extra letters from the box when you aren't looking?"

 

Mom: "Well, no."

 

Molly: "Well, neither would she."

 

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Jake: "I just found a horseshoe-that means good luck!"

 

Lizzy: "Maybe so, but somewhere in this world, some poor horse is walking around in stocking feet!"

 

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Why is it hard to keep a secret in a garden?

 

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans talk!

 

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Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to be a rocket scientist? He put a cow on a scale to see how much milk he weighed. (Milky way.)
 

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A flock of geese is flying south for the winter. One of the geese in the back complains, "How come we always have to follow the same leader?"

 

"Oh hush," the goose next to him replies. "He's the one with the map."

 

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Little Billy is wandering through his front yard, looking around the ground for something.

 

"What are you looking for, Billy dear?" his mother asks.

 

"Well, I heard that it rained an inch and three quarters last night," he replies. "And I could sure use the 75 cents!"

 

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Joe: "Look at that bunch of cows!"

 

Nate: "Not bunch, herd."

 

Joe: "Heard what?"

 

Nate: "Herd of cows."

 

Joe: "Of course I've heard of cows!"

 

Nate: "No, I mean a cow herd."

 

Joe: "Well, I don't see what difference that makes, I don't have any secrets to keep from any cows."

 

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Why are baseballs small, round, and white?

 

Because if they were huge, blue, and heavy, they'd be whales.

 

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What do you get when you cross an alligator with a porcupine?

 

Something you don't want to sit next to on a bus.

 

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Sam: "Will you remember me tomorrow?"

 

Wendy: "Yes."

 

Sam: "Will you remember me two days from now?"

 

Wendy: "Yes."

 

Sam: "Will you remember me three days from now?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Sam: "Will you remember me a week from now?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Sam: "Knock knock."

Wendy: "Who's there?"

Sam: "See? You've forgotten me already!"
 

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Ali Baba walks up to the door of the cave and calls, "Open Sesame!"

A voice calls back, "Says who?"

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A family going on vacation visits a farm. They have an enjoyable time there; the only thing that bothers them is the noise the pigs make. The following year, they're making plans to go back to the farm, so the father writes a letter to the farmer, asking if the pigs are still there. The next day, he receives a letter back, "Don't worry, sir, there haven't been any pigs at this farm since you were here."

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Josh walks into a talent office. "I'd like to audition for the talent competition this week, please." he says to the talent agent.

"All right," the agent replies. "What will your act be?"

"I do impersonations." Josh replies.

"All right, let's see one."

"I love you-OUCH! I love you-EECH! I love you-OOH! I love you-YIPE!"

A puzzled look crosses the agent's face. "What was that?"

"Two porcupines hugging."

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Sally sees Danny walking by, carrying a skunk. "Say, where are you taking that skunk?" she inquires.

"Oh, he's my new pet," Danny replies. "He lives in a little kennel in my bedroom, and sleeps at the foot of my bed every night."

"But what about that smell?"

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, same as I did."

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Voice on radio: "All right, is everybody ready for your morning exercises? Good! Now, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. Okay, now the other eyelid!"

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The football coach is in the locker room discussing plays with the team. "All right, Morris," he says. "For the next play, I want you to rush out there and tackle 'em!"

"Okay." Morris agrees. The team trudges out onto the field; seconds later, the coach hears raucous laughter coming from the field. Curious, he traipses outside, and observes the opposing team doubled over with laughter.

"What just happened?" the coach inquires. "I thought you were going to tackle the other team."

"Oh, tackle!" Morris replies. "I thought you said tickle."

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What do you do if a rhino charges you?

Pay him.

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Harold walks into an ice cream shop and orders a milkshake. After it arrives, he has to leave to make a phone call, but he's concerned that someone might take his drink while he's gone. As a preventative measure, he writes, "Property of the world's strongest body builder", and places it on top of the glass.
After he returns from making the call, he discovers that the glass is empty, with a new napkin on top of it, reading, "Thanks for the treat! Signed, the world's fastest track runner."

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Nate: "How do you do?"

Joe: "How do I do what?"

Nate: "I mean, how do you find yourself?"

Joe: "Don't be silly, I never lose myself!"

Nate: "No, I mean how do you feel?"

Joe: "With my hands, of course! Honestly, don't you have anything better to do than ask me these ridiculous questions?"

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Dora: "How was that hotel you stayed in as a hole, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "As a hole it was great, but as a hotel it was terrible!"

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

Jokes of the Week #17:Hop, Skip, and Goof

(These are actually last week's Jokes of the Week; I've been kind of busy lately and I got to these a bit late, sorry about that.)

Jimmy:"Oh no! It's a run home!"

Betty:"I think you mean a home run."

Jimmy:"No, I really do mean a run home. I just hit the ball through Mr. Greyson's window!"

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Basketball Coach:"Now, team, can anyone tell me what a personal foul is?"

Ethan:"I think it means having your own chicken."

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Why don't centipedes play soccer?

By the time they put their shoes on, the game's over.

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Joe:"In Spain, the national sport is bullfighting, and in England it's cricket."

Norman:"I think I'd rather play in England, then."

Joe:"Why's that?"

Norman:"It's so much easier to fight crickets."

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Jessie:"Our new neighbors are very rich."

Michelle:"How rich are they?"

Jessie:"They're so rich, their kids' skateboards are chauffer-driven."

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Nona:"I went out riding this afternoon."

Rita:"Horseback?"

Nona:"Sure is-he got back an hour before I did!"

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Harold:"I'm taking a mail-order weight lifting class. Every week, the postal carrier brings me a new set of weights."

Archie:"Gosh, you don't look like you've gaineed any muscle."

Harold:"No, but you should see the postal carrier!"

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Marvin:"Do you know what I like best about baseball?"

Ted:"What's that?"

Marvin:"The grass, the dirt, and the lump in the throat."

Ted:"Yeah, and that's just the hot dogs!"

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A cricket walks into a London sporting goods store.

"Say," the shopkeeper says. "We have a game named after you here!"

"Really?" the cricket replies modestly. "You have a game called Murphy here?"

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Reporter:"What position do you play in the football game?"

Football Player:"Oh, sort of crouched down and bent over."

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A golfer is having a terrible time. First he slices the ball into some bushes, then into a sandtrap, then into the stream, then into a mud puddle, then across the highway. Eventually, he hits it deep into the woods and can't find it.

"Don't you think you should just leave it?" his caddy inquires.

"No," the golfer says. "This is my lucky golf ball!"

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A big fat man is playing golf. Each time before he tees the ball up, he waves to it.

"Do you do that for good luck?" his caddy asks.

"No, I'm waving goodbye to it." he replies. "This is the last I'm going to see of it until I hit it."

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Did you hear about the track runner who ran a 100-mile race? He was in the lead, and had only one more mile to go, but he got too tired to finish, so he turned around and ran back.

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That guy's such a terrible athlete...
(How terrible is he?)

...If he ran a bath, he'd come in last.

...If he played a piano, the piano would win.

...If he beat an egg, we'd all be surprised.

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Zoe, Louise, and Vicky go to the Summer Olympics, but soon discover that all the events are sold out.

"I have an idea," says Zoe. "We could pose as athletes; that way, they'd have to let us in."

The others agree that it's a good idea, and Zoe decides to go first. She hurries across the street to the city dump, where she finds a pie plate. She goes up to the security guard and says, "Henderson, discus throwing." and the guard lets her by.

Next, Louise goes to the dump and finds a length of metal tubing. "Allen, pole vaulting." she says, and the guard waves her by.

Determined to follow her friends, Vicky valiantly searches the dump, until she finds an old, rolled-up wire fence. She walks up to the guard and says, in a very confident voice, "Parker, fencing."

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Myles is walking along the pier, carrying two lobsters in a bucket. A game warden walks up to him and says, "Do you have a fishing license?"

Myles says, "I didn't catch these lobsters, they're my pets. Every morning, I stand by the pier and whistle; they hop out of the water, I take them for a walk, and I toss them back in at the end of the day."

"Hm, interesting." says the warden. "Would you mind showing me, please?"

"Absolutely." Myles says, and with that, he tosses the lobsters into the water.

"Okay," the warden says. "Now, show me how you whistle for the lobsters to come back out again."

Myles says, "What lobsters?"

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A fisherman catches a giant sea bass. The sea bass is so large and heavy that the fisherman can't even carry it over his shoulder; he has to drag it along behind him. A little while later, another fisherman, carrying 2,000 guppies over his shoulder, crosses paths with him. The other fisherman looks the sea bass over. "Only caught one, eh?" he says.

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A horse walks up to the racetrack betting booth, and plunks his money down. "I want to bet $100 on myself to win the ninth race." he says.

"That's incredible!" the astonished clerk says.

"What?" says the horse. "That I'm able to talk?"

"No," the clerk replies. "That you actually think you have a chance of winning the race."

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"We'll never catch an elephant at this rate." The game hunter sighs after a long day in the jungle. "We might as well go home."

"That's fine with me," her assistant replies. "I'm getting exhausted from carrying these decoys around."

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Which famous baseball player always had the sniffles.

Hankie Aaron.

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What do you call a cow that belongs to a soccer player?

The team Jersey.

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What position does a pig play on a football team?

Swinebacker.

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A man rents a deep-sea fishing boat and goes out for a day of fishing; he's hoping to catch a bunch of fish and bring them home for dinner as a surprise for his wife. Hours pass, and he doesn't catch a thing, so he gives up and heads back home. On the way home he passes a fish market. He turns to the fish seller and says, "Say, would you mind throwing two sea bass, three salmon, three catfish, two albacore tuna, and one red snapper to me, please?"

"Well, certainly sir, but why do you want me to throw them to you?" the fish seller asks.

"Because when I get home, I want to be able to tell my wife I caught these fish!"

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What did the bowling ball say to the bowling pin?

"I'll spare you this time!"

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From Nickelodeon Magazine.

 

These are the kind of things they don't tell you about in the history books.