Jokes of the Week #69: We STILL Don't Need No Education

English Teacher: "Marvin, I'd like for you to give me a sentence beginning with "I."

Marvin: "'I is...'"

English Teacher: "No Marvin, you must always say, 'I am.'"

Marvin: "Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'"

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History Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me what Camelot was?"

Lizzy: "A place to park camels."

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Did you hear about the three math teachers who went out for pizza but were divided over whether or not to add extra cheese?

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Sammy: "Say Mom, I just learned five new letters in scholl today!"

Mom: "Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you! What were the letters?"

Sammy: "F-L-U-N-K."

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Teacher: "If I bought 100 doughnuts for one dollar, what would each one be?"

Nona: "Stale."

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Teacher: "Did you know that the bell just went, Mikey?"

Mikey: "Well, I don't know where it went to, but I sure didn't take it."

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Mom: "Did you get a good place in the geography test, Jeffrey Dear?"

Jeffrey: Yes, I sat next to the smartest kid in the class."

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When Edith's mother came home, she was surprised to see her daughter sitting on a giraffe's back, writing something. "Sweetie, what are you doing up there?" she inquired.

"Well you see," Edith replied. "The teacher wanted us to write an essay on our favorite animal."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is?"

Jane: "Lassie!"

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Walter's Father: "I want to take my son out of this terrible math class!"

Principal: "But sir, he's at the top of the class."

Walter's Father: "Yes, and that's how I know that this must be a terrible class."

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Why can you always believe everything bearded teachers tell you?

Because they can't tell bald-faced lies.

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Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you copying off of Gertie's paper, Laura."

Laura: "I hope you didn't either."

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Teacher: "Now Dora, if you had two pieces of chocolate and your sister had five, and you asked her for one, how many pieces of chocolate would you have?"

Dora: "Two."

Teacher: "You don't know math."

Dora: You don't know my sister."

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Teacher: "I wish that everyone would pay a little attention."

Ryan: "We're all paying as little attention as we can, ma'am."

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Science Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me whether heat or cold travels faster?"

Frankie: "Heat, because people can catch colds."

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Teacher: "Why didn't you stand at the end of the line like I asked you to, Flo?"

Flo: "I tried, but there was someone already there."

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The art teacher happens up to Harold, who's standing in front of a blank sheet of paper.

Art Teacher: "What's this a picture of, Harold Dear?"

Harold: "A cow eating grass."

Art Teacher: "But where's the grass?"

Harold: "The cow ate it."

Art Teacher: "Where's the cow?"

Harold: "Well, he's not going to hang around without any grass left to eat."

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Teacher: "Why haven't you been coming to school for the past few weeks, Dale?"

Dale: "It's not my fault, Miss Greyson, whenever I try to cross the street there's a guy standing there with a sign saying, 'STOP CHILDREN CROSSING.'"

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How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just leave the room dark and show a film strip.

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Jessie: "I thought you knew the answer to that question, Brad. Why didn't you tell the teacher?"

Brad: "Oh, but I did, I shook my head."

Jessie: "Well, you wouldn't expect her to hear it rattling from here, would you?"

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The art teacher assigned each member of her class to paint a self portrait. When Ashley handed hers in, the teacher took one look and said, "But Ashley, this isn't a picture of you."

"Yes," Ashley replied. "It's a self portrait of someone else."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me the name of a bird that doesn't build its own nest?"

Paul: "The cuckoo."

Teacher: "That's absolutely right, Paul! How did you know that?"

Paul: "Easy, Miss Warren, everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks."

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Teacher: "Are you good at arithmetic, Davis?"

Davis: "Well, yes and no."

Teacher: "How do you mean, 'Yes and no?'"

Davis: "Yes, I'm no good at arithmetic."

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Teacher: "Now class, can anyone tell me which family the octopus belongs to?"

Marcia: "No one's I know."

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Dad: "This is the worst report card ever. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Carl: "Look on the bright side, Dad. At least you can be sure that I'm not cheating."

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Lois got up in front of her class and read her book report aloud. After she was finished, her teacher said, "That was very good, Lois; I especially appreciate you not giving away the ending."

"Well," Lois replied. "I thought that if they'd wanted to know the ending, they'd do what I did and rent the DVD."

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Arthur: "Mom, I can't go back to that school. The teachers keep getting on my case and the kids won't stop teasing me. Why should I go back?"

Arthur's Mom: "First of all, you're 45 years old, and second, you're the principal!"

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