One.
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Did you hear about the dopey owl?
He went around saying, "What? What?"
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How does a doofus spell "Farm"?
"E-I-E-I-O."
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How did the doofus get fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's!
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Did you hear about the doofus who got a rowing machine for Christmas?
It's a good thing the lake was frozen, or she would have drowned!
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Why did the doofus use white-out on his computer screen?
Because he couldn't find an eraser.
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How can you tell if a fax was sent by a doofus?
There's a stamp on it.
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How do you keep a doofus busy?
Write "Turn Over" on both sides of a card and give it to him.
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How do you confuse a doofus?
Put him in a round room and ask him to stand in the corner.
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Goofy Gertie comes home one day and finds her house on fire. She calls the fire department. "Hurry! Come quick! My house is on fire!" she hollers.
"Uhm, how will we get to your house?" the fireman on the other end asks.
Gertie replies, "Well, what happened to your big red truck?"
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What plays on a doofus' walkman?
"Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot..."
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Dopey Dan is driving down the highway when his car phone rings; it's his wife. "Honey, you'd better be careful," she says. "I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on Main Street."
Dan replies, "It's not just one, there must be hundreds of them!"
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How can you tell if a doofus has been sending e-mails?
There are a bunch of envelopes jammed in his disk drive.
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How did the dopey tap dancer break her leg?
She fell in the sink.
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A dopey guy places a book on the librarian's desk and says, "This book has no plot and way, way, way too many characters!"
The librarian says, "Ah, so that's where the phone book went."
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How do you make a doofus laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.
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How did the doofus get fired from the fish hook factory?
For throwing out the bent ones!
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Did you hear about the three dopey tourists going for a vacation at Disneyland? They were driving down the highway and saw a sign reading, "DISNEYLAND LEFT", so they went home.
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How can you tell if there's a doofus at the airport?
She's the one throwing bread to the airplanes.
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Why did the doofus want to become a veterinarian?
Because he loved vegetables.
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How long does it take a doofus to change a basement window?
Ten hours. Just one hour to put the window in, but nine hours to dig the hole for the ladder.
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Goofy Gus wants to cook his wife a special dinner for their anniversary. He goes out to the barn, selects a turkey, plucks it and sticks it in the oven. An hour later, Gus realizes he hasn't turned the oven on; he pulls the door open, and the turkey stands up and says, "Listen here, mister, either turn up the heat or give me my feathers back!"
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Why don't doofuses drink Kool-Aid?
They can't ever figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packets.
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Josh:"Floyd, could you look and see if my turn signal is on?"
Floyd:"Yes-no-yes-no-yes-no-yes-no.."
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How do you sink a submarine full of doofuses?
Knock on the door.
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Why did the doofus cover the nail he was hammering with his finger?
The noise was giving him a headache.
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What did the doofus do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur at home?
She moved.
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Why did the doofus return her A.M. radio?
She wanted to listen to music at night.
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Why was the doofus' brain the size of a pea after exercising?
It swelled up.
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Why did the doofus get so excited after he finished a puzzle in two weeks?
Because the box said, "From 4-8 years."
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You and a doofus are on a plane going to Paris. How can you steal her window seat?
Tell her that the seats that are going to Paris are in the middle row.
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Policeman:"Didn't you see the sign? This is a one-way street."
Waldo:"But I was only going one way."
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Interviewer:"If you could talk with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
Carl:"The living one."
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Did you hear about the stupid burglar who saw a "WANTED" poster outside the police station and went in and applied for a job?
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How do you confuse a stupid workman?
Lay down three shovels and ask him to take his pick.
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A dopey guy walks into a library and says, "I'd like a hamburger, french fries, and a milkshake, please."
The librarian says, "This is a library."
The guy whispers, "Sorry. I'd like a hamburger, french fries, and a milkshake, please."
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A dopey guy is bragging to his friend about knowing all the state capitols. "Go on, ask me any capitol at all." he says.
"Okay," his friend says. "What's the capitol of Tennessee?
The guy replies, "T."
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Did you hear about the doofus who got a new boomerang for Christmas?
He spent four weeks trying to throw out the old one!
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Why did the doofus stand in front of the mirror with his eyes closed?
He wanted to see what he looked like when he was asleep.
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What's red and hangs in a banana tree?
A goofy strawberry.*
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What goes "Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!"
A doofus trying to drive through a blinking red light.
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Marvin wasn't the brightest man in town, but when the local sherrif was looking for a deputy, he decided to apply for the job.
"Before I hire you, I need you to answer some questions," the sherrif says. "What do 1 and 1 make?"
"11." Marvin replies.
"Well, that wasn't quite what I meant, but I guess technically that's correct." the sherrif says. "Okay, now, what two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow." Marvin replies.
"Well, that wasn't quite what I meant, but I guess technically that's correct." the sherrif says. "Okay, now, for your final question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Marvin thinks long and hard, but is never able to come up with the answer. "Gee...I just don't know."
"I'd like you to go home and think it over." the sherrif says.
That night, after Marvin comes home, his mother asks him how the interview went. "Wonderful, just wonderful!" he replies. "First day on the job, and already I'm working on a murder case!"
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(Hmm, could this be how strawberry banana smoothies are made? :-D)
From Nickelodeon Magazine.
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